The Daily Hairdryer

New site: Offside9.com

2010-06-02T09:11:00.001+01:00

To any former TDH readers: TDH has a new outlet, Offside9.com! Check it out for original articles, hilarious videos, cutting live match commentary and statistically based predictions of match results during the World Cup! Tell your friends - TDH knows you have some!

Fiesta de futbol

2008-08-26T05:47:00.004+01:00

Yes, football is back. TDH wasn't overly excited by the Olympic tournament - heck, not even the Argentines were. It's not as though they all flooded towards the Obelisk in the center of Buenos Aires to celebrate every victory. Nope, they didn't even show after the final. Nice timing, though - a 1 a.m. kick-off was just about perfect for locals finishing up their Friday dinners.

More heartening for TDH were a different pair of Argentine-related developments. First, Coloccini and Gutierrez seem to be admirable additions to the side - good on you, Keegle. We still lack creativity in midfield, but perhaps Guthrie will grow into the job. TDH personally feels that Milner should play the creative role in the center with Gutierrez and Zog or Duff on the wings, then two of our better strikers up front. It's nice to see Martins and Owen on the scoresheet so, ahem, early in the season. (So long, Shola, it took too long to unload you.)

The second development was directly linked to the first. Every Toon match now appears on Argentine television. Yes, even the Bolton match was there for the taking... if only TDH had known, perhaps TDH might have caught a few minutes, rather than sleeping through the usual vitamin-and-ibuprofen-mitigated hangover. And why should we be surprised? The Magpies now have more Argentine starters than any other team in the league.

More even than Manure, which, to be frank, looked rather toothless even against a misfiring Pompey. You can see why Sir won't let Kiki Ron go easily. To be honest, TDH can't imagine the pretty boy being as influential at Madrid, either. A couple more months without him is going to hurt the Red Mist. With Arsenal in nursery school and Liverpool's defense a bit suspect, bet on Chelsea for the championship.

More pre-season musings

2008-08-08T18:31:00.004+01:00

A few more random thoughts to keep us all buzzing before the season starts:

First, let us hope that the words Northern Rock emblazoned across our shirts do not act as a harbinger of similar fortunes. Rather, let us hope that team and sponsor follow a path of stabilization and resurgence! Past performance is no guarantee of future results! Amen!

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A friend recently said of Argentine politics, "How come we always have to add a little pepper to the mix?" The same is true of Argentine football. It's as though coaches feel they need to avoid the obvious, safe options in order to distinguish themselves somehow.

Just look at this Olympic football tourney; Argentina should win it in a walk. They can start with a team that includes Ustari, Garay, Mascherano, Banega, Gago, Riquelme, Aguero and Messi - all top quality players. They can play a nice 4-4-2 with the two dimunitive strikers at the top, followed by Riquelme, then Gago and Banega giving some width and Mascherano sweeping behind.

But no. An idiot named Sergio Batista has decided to play some kind of weird Christmas tree with a nobody named Lavezzi at the top, two of the best forwards in the world inexplicably sitting behind him, and Riquelme behind them. In fact, Riquelme spent much of the game against the Ivory Coast sitting behind the midfield line. Explain this to TDH, please.

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If there was one thing you could say about Chelsea under Jose Mourinho, it was that the team played consistently. It didn't matter where or when they played, the odds were probably better than even on a 1-0 victory. Not so with Big Phil, at least so far.

Sure, he's trying out different stuff. But one day, they lose on penalties to Locomotiv in a carbon-copy of the Champions League final (even the sequence of the last kicks was exactly the same, amazing). And the next day, they crush Milan 5-0. Even TDH is afraid to analyze what happened overnight.

Kudos, by the way, to the RRC folks for putting together a better website than Euro 2008's for a two-day, four-team tournament. That's what TDH means by going the extra kilometer. Choo-choo!

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Arshavin says Juande Ramos really convinced him that coming to Spurs would be a great idea. TDH thinks Barcelona's lack of interest may just have something to do with it as well. My, how the mighty $40 million transfers have fallen. Actually, TDH wouldn't pay anywhere near that for Arshavin. Sorry, the kid seems to be a tantrum-prone two-year-old just like dear old Dimitar. Speaking of whom, we'll soon see if Sir can do something about those snits.

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Coloccini is nowhere near the best Argentine central defender. (And no, TDH is no great fan of Milito, either.) But he's probably better than most central defenders who have recently made their way to Tyneside. Asi que bienvenido, Colocho, TDH espere que sigas bien, la verdad es que te necesitamos.

This year's hot stove heater

2008-07-28T20:17:00.004+01:00

That's what they call it in the baseball world, anyway: all the off-season occurrences that keep us football people warm while we wait for the six-week layoff to end. Any day now, lads and ladies, any day now....

In the meantime, TDH has some trenchant observations to share:

1. $38 million for Robbie Keane? Are you mad? He's 28 years old, and you're paying the same for him as you did for El Niño. It's madness! Pure madness! At this rate, Kiki Ron's transfer fee could bail out Fannie Mae!

2. Why are our Magpies sticking by Joey Barton? He beat a teammate until the poor guy lost consciousness. He shouldn't be in football. Forget "he's paid his debt to society," Keegle, the boy is not worth the trouble. TDH is also somewhat worried about our slothfulness in the transfer market, though Argentine compañeros insist that Gutiérrez is the real deal.

3. The Olympic soccer tournament is completely ridiculous. It should be dumped in favor of an U23 World Cup. Then we can forget about all this Messi business and these bizarre hybrid teams. Yeah, I hate to throw FIFA a bone as much as anyone, but this Olympic business is ludicrous. And yeah, TDH will be watching every minute of it.

4. JOZY ALTIDORE IS A VILLAREAL PLAYER! Fantastic news for US Soccer. Oh, what emotion for TDH upon watching the YouTube video of Altidore's presentation to the crowd. Unless TDH is wrong, Altidore is the first American in the modern Primera Liga. The fans of the Submarino Amarillo went wild for the American striker, and TDH is hoping that he and Adu (now on loan to Monaco) will be the national team's go-to combo for many years to come.

By the way, apologies for TDH's long absence, but TDH just had a hard time maintaining enthusiasm at the end of the last Premier League season. Manure winning the Champions League as Terry lost his chance at history didn't help. And Euro 2008, well, yes, TDH had plenty to say about it, but it's all been said already. Okay?

Following the script, at last

2008-04-05T23:46:00.002+01:00

Today's scoresheet against Reading looked exactly the way so many Toon fans had doubtlessly composed it in their dreams for countless games earlier this year: 3-0, goals from Martins, Owen and Viduka. How long have we waited for this moment? Too long, of course. And now, the dreaming Toon fan wonders, could Keegle's men win out?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Keegle's goal of bettering Roeder's 43-point haul is a realistic and worthy one. Indeed, we should be able to gain the fabled "mid-table respectability" which has so long been the province of trophy-laden clubs like Villa and City, ahem. Will there be better things to come next year? Don't bet on it. The season of two halves has become a nasty habit, and there's still no evidence of any of the equally fabled "tactical nous" that we have lacked for so many years.

---

TDH has been hearing the rumors about Rodrigo Palacios. First, he's going to Lazio. No, now Chelsea is interested. Well, TDH has a message for all of Europe's prospective buyers: caveat emptor. Palacios is having a nice run at the moment, but generally speaking he's only speed - no finishing. Plus, guess what? At 26 years old, he's not getting any faster. Rodrigo himself says he'll never leave Boca. TDH says menos mal.

Some pride, at last

2008-03-27T06:11:00.002Z

TDH was disappointed to see a team with five Yanks lose at the weekend, even if it gave our Toon lads a much-needed three points. The names on the scoresheet were the right ones, at last, and one can only hope that it will continue. Keegle seems to have found a working formula, even if there's a huge hole in midfield. If it works with a couple more scrub teams, we're safe. Just.

But what pleased TDH even more - because let's face it, with the Magpies any pleasure is always bittersweet - was how those same Yanks bounced back in Poland on Wednesday. Okay, Poland is not one of Europe's greatest teams, even if they are going to Euro 2008. Still, taking them apart 3-0 in their own house has to mean something. It wasn't even an all-European team for us, just a decent XI assembled from a combination of our top division stars and a few standouts from MLS.

That success, combined with the good turnaround by the A-Team in the Olympic qualifiers, was enough to make TDH dream about the future. Who's the A-Team? Why, Adu and Altidore, of course!

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There were quite a few other tasty friendlies, though the only one that made it to TDH's screen was France v England. (It was shocking, really, that TDH couldn't watch Italy v Spain in a country that's about 60 percent of Italian and Spanish ancestry.) So, once again, TDH tuned in with interest to see what Fabs would conjure.

This time, it was disappointment. With Becks and James in the side, it could have been a match from two or even four years ago - but for the tireless Gareth Barry (he's the white Ledley King!). At least Bentley got a run-out in the second half, though his crosses were pitifully low for a guy with fresh legs. Downing did a lot of running and ended up nowhere - TDH is still disappointed, after he raised expectations so high in that Premier League match a few years ago against, um, us.

All in all, it was the standard idea-less England performance to which we've become so accustomed. Mix it up, Fabs!

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TDH also took in Egypt v Argentina, a fighting performance by the African champs that only came undone thanks to the native talent of a certain ex-Independiente player who goes by the best three-letter nickname since El Cid. The kid is on fire. Did anyone see what he did to Sevilla at the weekend? A monster. Soon we will all forget about Messi, at least that's what TDH's Kun-krazy Spanish neighbor says.

And there may be something to it. Messi is so direct, storming towards the goal like a basketball forward charging through the lane. But Aguero improvises like Charlie Parker, spinning off long runs in unpredictable directions, different every time. Either way, Argentina has some weapons. Too bad Basile's overall setup was a total mess. Embarrassing, really. He has to go. Soon. TDH hears Pedro Troglio is available....

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Yes, Troglio is gone and TDH is praying for Russo as his replacement. If Passarella gets the job, TDH might follow a friend's example and become a fan of Ferro Carril Oeste. Good old Ferro. It's a club on the tail end of two decades of decline, but a day out at the stadium - pitifully empty these days but with a vociferous and loyal tribuna popular - sure is a pleasure. They have cool jackets, too.

Is this what you call a comfort zone?

2008-03-18T04:34:00.006Z

First things first: We should have won today at Birmingham. We owned them in the second half, until Mauro Zarate came on to liven things up for the Blues. We were just plain better.

That we maintained an advantage on the pitch in the second half of an away match would be quite an achievement, if it weren't against one of the worst teams in the league. Then again, we're also one of the worst teams in the league, so it meant something.

And Alan Smith didn't play. Hallelujah.

But TDH, naturally, has some quibbles. First, why was Martins taken off instead of Viduka? Martins could have slotted into Viduka's spot when Zog came on. And the big man really was huffing and puffing. He's still not fit. It's March.

Also, can we please have two hours of passing practice every day until the next fixture? TDH hasn't seen so many heavy balls since... the last time TDH went to a bowling alley. (What did you think TDH was going to say?) Our passing was poor, and that's why we didn't win.

That, and the fact that we still lack creativity on the ball. Down here, Christian Bassedas (remember him?) was doing the color commentary, and for once he hit the target: We just didn't have the ability to surprise the opposition. The players who give us that are Milner, Zog and Emre. He also pointed out that all of our defenders hang out in the 18-yard box, instead of spreading out to defuse the danger earlier. Good point.

That said, TDH was intrigued by the Smith-less formation. Of course, TDH would like to suggest a couple of alterations. Take off Butt, who compensates for slowness with so many clumsy tackles that it's no surprise he leads the league in yellow cards. Slide Barton into his place, and bring back one of our true wingers. Then you can still play with Owen and Viduka up front, and Martins behind in the slot.

And one more alteration: Make Geremi captain again. Okay, TDH has no idea what he's like in the locker room. But he holds us together on the pitch. He's a brilliant sweeper, he almost never loses the ball, he tackles cleanly, he settles the offense, and his dead balls are of a consistently high quality. He's a role model for chuckleheads like Barton. The man deserves some recognition.

There are six teams below us garnering an average of less than a point a game. TDH thinks we need nine points from the eight remaining matches to stay up. Keep playing like we did today, and we might just get them. A win against Fulham at home (though TDH will be oh-so-compromised, especially after McBride's dream goal at the weekend) is the only acceptable next step.

Tragedy by the numbers

2008-03-04T15:24:00.005Z

For those of you who are confident that the Magpies will turn it around this season and procure what has bizarrely become a respectable mid-table finish, here are some sobering statistics. We're actually worse than our current position in the table.

Start with the team statistics. Our goal difference is as bad as Reading's and Fulham's - two of the three teams currently in the relegation zone. That means, if anything, that we've been lucky so far this season. Our position in the table is actually exaggerated to the upside. And our form is currently the worst in the league, with two points from the past six matches. That's right, we're rock bottom.

Now go to the player statistics. We don't have a single player in the top 100 of the Actim index. Not one. Only two other teams can claim the same distinction: Scumderland and Derby County, both relegation candidates. Plus, our top scorer (Martins) hasn't played for ages, and he's tied in the goal rankings with such well-known forwards as Jol Lescott.

And the focal point of all of TDH's ire is, of course, Alan Smith. What is he good for? Fouls, apparently - he leads the league with 73 of them. He's also tied for second in the discipline standings, after card-happy Nigel Reo-Coker. With whom is he tied, you ask? Why, with our very own Nicky Butt! We can't keep up with the opposition's midfielders, so we foul them instead. That's how bad we are.

TDH hates to say it, but the only comforting thought is that there may be three teams worse than we are. On paper, our lineup looks strong. We have name players, even though they're almost all on the downslope of their careers. And indeed, one player has recently said that things are looking up in the dressing room, the squad is together and they've got faith in Keegle. But who was that player, to whom the manager has given plenty of time on the pitch? A certain Alan Smith.

TDH returns, though nothing else changes

2008-02-24T04:42:00.003Z

(Apologies for the long delay, but TDH had written a beautiful long post that Blogger somehow swallowed. So, let us say that TDH was temporarily disillusioned. But now, back to the matter at hand.)

TDH remembers a time, not so long ago, when it was actually exciting to watch the Magpies in action. Now it's a sort of loathesome duty, an unpleasant but necessary obligation for two hours on a Saturday afternoon - like a funeral for an in-law you've never met.

Well, it won't be long until we see Keegle's funeral. If you ask TDH, the true Magpie Messiah was sitting up in the stands yesterday. He was the grinning one with the mop of white hair. Funny how we haven't had any pretty football to watch since he was around, except for a few good performances under Roeder. In fact, Roeder remains TDH's favorite of the past FOUR managers. Imagine that.

At least Keegle's attitude is realistic. But what does he have strategy-wise? The midfield was a mess. The defenders were lost at sea - three of them in the 18-yard box, and none of them stuck to Kiki Ron closely? Can Zog really play defense if he lets Wine Hrooney have ten yards for free? What's Barton doing all the way over on the left? Ugh.

And then there was Alan Smith, that unfortunate legacy of Big Ham's reign. TDH was trying to count Smith's passes for a while, and NOT A SINGLE ONE was forward! How can you play in midfield if you can't slot the ball forward to the, ahem, forwards? TDH's head was left shaking.

---

A few other pearls of the weeks past:

1. Clever Fergie, leaving the pitch at Old Trafford a mess for the Gooners' visit! Surprise, surprise, those cute little triangles didn't work on the surface of the moon.

2. Nice debut by Mauro Zarate at Birmingham. The Velez man gives you some action in the box, if nothing else.

3. Two goals for Walcott in a single game against a Premier League team? Can it be real? Is he finally fulfilling England's hopes?

4. Hard to say who looks the best side in the Champions League. Milan's defense seems ageless, but Manure could eat them for lunch if the Tevez-Rooney-Kiki Ron is on fire. They could eat anyone for lunch, in fact. But then, there's another trio of Messi-Henry-Ronaldinho that's back in action. Inter was the big disappointment. Cucho isn't replicating his Serie A form in Europe - too bad.

5. Boy, is TDH excited about Freddy Grisales at Independiente. He and Rolfi were born to play together. It's almost enough to make TDH want to cross the threshold of El Cilindro. We'll see. El Rojo is at the Bombonera in a couple of weeks....

6. Nani may be as big an ass as his idol, Kiki Ron. After that ridiculous hotdogging against the Goon Show, Gilberto Silva and then Sir both laid down the law. And what happened? He did it again yesterday. He should have been the one with the broken leg, not poor Eduardo da Silva. Ah, but you say you want justice in football?

Enter Psycho

2008-01-30T17:19:00.000Z

Is there any England fan who doesn't like a bit of Psycho in the psetup? Pearce is set to be Capello's enforcer, and there's probably no one better for the job. Here's a man whom the players should actually fear, and he'd probably kill his grandmother if it would bring the World Cup trophy back to London.

So, loyal readers, as we come close to the Switzerland match which will desultorily stand in for Euro 2008, TDH sees fit to bring up the old debate: who should play?

Well, here are some TDH comments on the pool:

Goalkeepers
Paul Robinson - probably deserves another chance
Chris Kirkland - definitely a possibility
David James - only if no one else can be trusted
Scott Carson - afraid he's been stained forever
Steve Harper - TDH would give him a shot (to stop!)

Defenders
John Terry - indisputable
Ledley King - versatile, always plays well for England
Micah Richards - exciting range as a winger
Wayne Bridge - hard worker, gets the job done
Rio Ferdinand - may be too self-involved
Jol Lescott - intriguing, will Capello play a libero?
Wes Brown - pretty solid this year, but emotionless
Ashley Cole - should be reduced to a bench role
Michael Dawson - too error-prone, though very game
Glen Johnson - who?

Midfielders
Owen Hargreaves - indisputable, TDH is a convert
Aaron Lennon - has to be in the team, tireless
Shaun Wright-Phillips - on a hot streak, a must
David Bentley - caught TDH's attention, worth a try
James Milner - must get a run-out on the left
Joe Cole - finding his form, cares about England
Scott Parker - a backup for Hargreaves?
Gareth Barry - excellent work rate, less raw talent
Michael Carrick - doing well this season
Steven Gerrard - puzzlingly bad form for England
Nigel Reo-Coker - prone to cards, if talented
Stewart Downing - promises more than he delivers
Frank Lampard - on the downslope, for TDH at least
Joey Barton - er, likely to be behind bars...

Strikers
Wayne Rooney - indisputable
Michael Owen - TDH wishes he looked better
Gabriel Agbonlahor - deserves a serious look
Theo Walcott - really a winger, isn't he?
Andrew Johnson - still some potential there
Peter Crouch - he does give you another "look"
Dave Kitson - well, he is scoring in a bad team
Jermaine Defoe - rarely finishes for England
Darren Bent - ditto
Darius Vassell - you're having a laugh!

TDH XI: Harper, Lescott, Terry, King, Richards, Milner, Hargreaves, Gerrard, Wright-Phillips, Rooney, Agbonlahor.
Substitutes: Kirkland, Brown, Ferdinand, Bridge, Parker, Carrick, Bentley, Lennon, Cole, Owen, Walcott, Crouch

Okay, TDH is sure to have missed someone here, so let's hear it!

The rumor mill churns...

2008-01-28T04:14:00.000Z

No one's talking seriously about deposing King Keegle yet... er, right? TDH has been hearing some rumors (and even some rumours) that the bosses are already lining up a replacement for next season - perhaps Jose Antonio Camacho, the really-not-ever-very-successful Spaniard who somehow keeps getting jobs.

Oh please. As though a new coach is all we need. If we're lucky, we're on a long road to recovery from a deep depression. New owners, check. New managers, check. New players, sort of check. New physios, we can only hope. And wait.

TDH didn't see all of the Arsenal match, and it didn't look bad for a while there. But the wheels inevitably came off. Alan Shith returned to the pitch. Lousy draw aside, the Toon has no excuses for this exit from the last competition in which we had any sort of interest. Progress will be slow.

Sexy football is back at SJP!

2008-01-17T04:44:00.000Z

History has truly come full circle for TDH. Yes, loyal readers, as you have no doubt read on the margin of this page, it was back in the Keggie Keegle era that TDH first became devoted to the joys and frustrations of Toonness. And here we are again, albeit without Uncle Alan in tow. But maybe Ashley and Mr Smithers (thanks for that, Palms!) will convince him yet....

Okay, so TDH was hoping for a dream appointment like Hiddink, Hitzfeld or someone else whose name began with Hi. And this signing definitely puts paid to the idea that Ashley wanted "his man" - Keegle belongs to no one. But he's also a heck of a lot better than some of the other options out there, and the soft-spoken striker may still have the SJP magic. TDH has hope, at least until the end of this season. After that, all bets are still definitively off.

Big Ham, we hardly knew ye

2008-01-10T10:06:00.000Z

Well, TDH isn't celebrating quite as much as when Souey got the axe, but the sudden departure of Big Ham does offer some cause for optimism. Why?

1. TDH never shared Big Ham's vision (see comment below re: Boltonizing of our squad). Insofar as Alan Smith was part of that vision, TDH shared it even less. Whoever's next, take away that captain's armband.

2. We always seem to get a new manager boost. Why? Are we fundamentally undisciplined, and we need to get used to a gaffer in order to disobey? Do the players only strive to impress the man during the first couple of months, until starters and scrubs are set?

3. We now have some chance of landing a better manager for the long term, though TDH can't see anyone respectable touching the job with the proverbial stick of roughly three meters. TDH dreams of scenarios like this one: we install a caretaker and scoop up Hiddink, who's always up for a high-paid challenge, after the Euros. What do you think?

4. It seems Ashley and company are serious about results. Never a bad sign, and a good incentive for the next manager.

Not good enough. Period.

2008-01-07T04:13:00.000Z

That's it, fellow members of the Toon Army. Our squad simply isn't good enough. You only needed to watch a few minutes of the match at Stoke City to see it. Every time we needed a short pass, a flicked header, a solid clearance, a through ball... it simply wasn't there. It was a match full of nothing more than misfires. Pathetic.

The only bright spot for TDH was St. Seamus, the Irish Cat himself, who saved us once again from almost certain ignominy. Without this master of the nets, in what division would we currently be playing? The Championship, if that?

The thing is, we have a bunch of name players, but almost all of them seem to be woefully over the hill. Is it the arc of their careers, is it their fitness, is it the coaching? No matter. If a side with Duff, Owen and Viduka in front can't score, we've got serious problems.

It's not just the damnable reappearance of the useless Alan Smith in midfield. It's something deeper. That TDH could not see a single decent thing among the outfield players, with the possible exception of that one Lualua run (ah, that name...), sends buzzers screaming and red lights flashing throughout the TDH establishment.

Are we even a cup team, at this point? We are so fundamentally disorganized, so irredeemably lacking in fundamental skills, that TDH wonders whether we won't end up down in the depths before too long. All the hopes raised by new management, a new coach and those new players have been dashed as far as TDH is concerned. Apologies, loyal readers, but TDH has hit rock-bottom.

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Meanwhile, TDH covets the signing of one Humberto Suazo, lauded previously here during his days at Colo Colo, by Independiente to give the clausura season a boost. But El Rojo will need someone to sit behind El Rolfi, bossing the midfield, in order to succeed. Hopes have not been raised just yet, but TDH might even brave a trip to El Cilindro in order to see Suazo live and in person.

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In other news, TDH must ask whether Dimitar Berbatov is really worth the crazy sums Spurs are apparently demanding. The man is capable of magic - of that there is no doubt - but only when he decides to get his rear end in gear. Would that happen with any greater frequency at a bigger club? At first, perhaps, but TDH bets that he'd join Sulkers FC before long, no matter where he played.

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The semi-annual exodus of Argentine players has already begun, with the signing of Ever Banega by Valencia, for yet another ridiculous amount of money, as Exhibit A. These days, Argentines have to be content with the odd returning star - viz. Veron, Riquelme, Piojo Lopez, Sava - because all the up-and-comers are either in Europe, if they're lucky, or in Mexico.

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And speaking of those guys, have a look at the bind in which Mascherano now finds himself. He's owned by a team for which he doesn't play; thus, they can sell him freely without worrying about how it will affect their performance. Really, it's more of a bind for Liverpool than it is for Masche. He'll end up at a good team no matter what (though he could be cup-tied in UEFA, which would make any move bittersweet). Rafa, on the other hand, would have to do without the services of his quiet rock at the number 5 position. Well, perhaps it doesn't matter. Rafa's just waiting to replace Spain's answer to Ron Atkinson anyway, right?

Gripes and a small compensation

2007-12-30T02:10:00.000Z

Okay, it's been over a month, but this week's action has given plenty for TDH to talk about.

Today's match at the Bridge was obviously decided by a bad call, the most freakish miss of an offside call that TDH has ever seen. But this is nothing new for Toon fans. Remember all the goal line calls that went against us last year? The football gods haven't been on our side for decades. Was it something Sir Bob said?

Yet TDH is angrier with Big Ham than with Mike Riley. Why did Big Ham decide to play Martins flanked by Duff up front? When Duff played as a striker some months ago, it was out of desperation - not because he was any good in the position. You're facing a Chelski squad without JT, and you don't let loose the bull also known as Viduka? TDH could not understand it.

There's something that gets TDH's goat even more, though: Alan Smith. WHAT IS BIG HAM'S OBSESSION WITH THIS PLAYER? He is a force of entropy in the midfield. He is useless as a striker. He is not the poor man's Paul Scholes, he is the poor man's Francis Jeffers. If that. We need two things in midfield, organization and creativity. Smith has neither.

Oh, how wistfully TDH watched Scottie P today against Manure. And with that match came the small compensation for the Toon's weekly debacle. There went the supposed golden boy, scorer of yet another wondergoal earlier in the week, preparing to strike a gimme penalty. As he stepped up to the spot, TDH couldn't help but ask how many times this player had found himself in that same situation, thanks to his own amateur theatricals inside the six-yard box. He missed. Manure lost. Justice.

Well, TDH can't complain too much, given the splendid supply of fast-paced, trigger-happy football that has come our way so far this week. There are quite a few entertaining teams in the Prem this season, and almost any match is worth a gander. By contrast, Spanish football seems to be played underwater. If only, once in a while, we could win - otherwise TDH will have to be contented with the odd Clint Dempsey goal in a losing cause, which is getting old....

Back in the saddle

2007-11-25T17:21:00.000Z

"It's been a long time/
I shouldn't have left you/
without a strong rhyme/
to step to...."

No, TDH couldn't say it better than Rakim. So, let's play catch-up a little bit better than the Magpies did at St. James's yesterday.

The big one, of course, is England. TDH's only regret is not laying England to qualify - the classic economist's emotional hedge - and the idea did occur to TDH a couple of days before the match.

Sure, the squad was filled with scrubs. But they were the wrong scrubs. If you want to grind out a draw, you don't go with rookies. You go with tough old dogs who're damn well not going to lose qualification for England when it might be their last or only cap. Or at least you get some stronger midfielders in there. Anyway, TDH was none too pleased to see Rio running around like a reebok at the Reebok. Served him and Manure right to lose to an underachieving team (glimpsed by TDH in Hong Kong, for a change). You too, Sir - I believe the king of Spain has some words for you.

Then, Newcastle. Well, for TDH the big question is not when Viduka and Owen are coming back. It's still the midfield. TDH wants Zog and Milner on the wings, a creative type in the slot and an enforcer behind. Is that so wrong? If Emre's not getting the creative job done, well, Big Ham, you've got your transfer homework.

Finally, Independiente. The late-season slump is a shame if unsurprising. We were always punching above our weight on the backs of the Montenegro-Sosa-Denis triad. And Denis probably won't score this many goals again in his life. It was fun while it lasted - maybe we can do it again sometime in our own stadium, if it's ever finished.

Brightening TDH's day

2007-10-22T22:11:00.001+01:00

In a rare occurrence, TDH had the chance to watch the Spurs match live from here in the Big Apple. And forget the fact that we looked disorganized in the first half, that the midfield seemed to be a mess for long periods, that Owen didn't quite have his touch... TDH's entire mood improved as Milner's trademark volley popped into the corner of the net.

Yet another 3-1 against Spurs! And some newsworthy events, too. For example, Cacapa's shaving of his beard seems to have improved his aerodynamics. But more importantly, there was Joey Barton playing at SJP in a competitive Premier League match! TDH can't say the little thug did anything earthshattering, but what a pleasure it was to see two strong players - Barton and Rozenhal - coming on to seal things up at the end.

And what a pleasure, too, to see Beye playing neat and tidy football on one side and Jose Enrique tirelessly diving into tackles on the other. TDH can't say the quality of their crosses was fully satisfactory, but perhaps that will improve with time.

From Spurs' side, what was Martin Jol thinking, benching Berbatov? When the Bulgarian wizard was charging in alongside Keane and Bent, Spurs actually looked dangerous for the first time. And then on came Lennon - why has he been out of favor? TDH likes Jol, and not just because he looks like Jaws from the James Bond films, or because he has two enormous battle tanks named Huddlestone and Kaboul imitating him on the pitch, but the man signed his own death-warrant with his Gullit-Shearer impersonation today.

At any rate, TDH will put those excuses aside. Why? Well, TDH knows all too well that as a member of the Toon Army, you have to enjoy the good times while you can....

(Hopefully) normal service resumed

2007-09-23T16:15:00.000+01:00

TDH was so down and out after that horrendous loss to Derby, which TDH witnessed in its entirety, that it was difficult to clock back in here. (Yes, even despite the appearance of American international Benny Feilhaber as an effective Derby sub.) The week's Champions League fixtures did little to pep TDH up, being some of the most insipid matches TDH had seen for a long time.

Only The Goon Show's tireless industry against Sevilla merited much mention. Who says you can't win anything with kids? Arsene's toddlers may end this season with a trophy or two, if the rest of the league's - and the continent's - clubs can't sort it out. No, TDH doesn't think the Goons can upset the resurgent Merengues or even, probably, a bolshy Milan. But what with the turbulence in the league, they're in with more than a chance... no matter what Wes Brown says.

That's right, Manure still don't have a reliable striker besides Kiki Ron, and then there's the Billionaire Boys Club. Whoa! TDH didn't expect The Special One to get the axe so soon, and certainly not because he wasn't playing Sheva enough. (Against Rosenborg, Sheva only continued his streak of scoring on mediocre teams....) And if Roman thinks that replacing Jose with a relatively unknown Israeli is going to save the Blues, he'd better think again. What will they do when Drogba and Essien go on African Nations Cup duty? TDH shudders to think. Finally, Liverpool haven't really hit their stride yet, and Spurs are lost in the wilderness.

So basically it's down to Arsenal and us for the title. Ha, TDH got you there, eh? Well, the win at Whammers was very reassuring, but we still don't have the playmaker on the pitch. Bloody Alan Smith! Has he done anything this season? Why does Sam love him so much? Because he's the nearest thing to Joey Barton, even if he lacks the fundamental ability to launch the telling ball? Please, Joey - please, Emre - come back, come back!

---

Meanwhile, it's USA v Brazil in another less-than-marquee World Cup. Let's hope the result is the same as it was in the U-20 version. We're looking dangerous, but they spanked us in the Pan-American Games. (Football fans around the world are saying, "The whaaat?" Yes, TDH is aware.)

Now this looks like football

2007-09-13T00:13:00.000+01:00

TDH didn't get a chance to see the Israel match at the weekend, but the Russia match was front and center today after a leisurely lunch in drizzly Buenos Aires, where there seemed to be a whiff of London in the air. Perhaps, indeed, there was something of an intercontinental climate swap going on, as the weather at Wembley looked delightful.

The rain, of course, came in the form of shots by our and England's No. 10. The BBC's Phil McNulty supplied plenty of effusiveness, letting TDH off the hook, but TDH will say a few words. Five goals in four games. (Five words did the trick.)

TDH spent much of the second half praying that Owen wouldn't get injured, and TDH surely wasn't alone among Toon supporters. So far, so good. But the real story was how well this England squad played. No silly shots from Fat Frank, no over-reliance on Becks. Stevie G was off-target, and it didn't matter. Barry swept with skill and presence, and the overlaps of Richards and SWP on one side and the Cole brothers on the other were enough to keep the Russians occupied.

Meanwhile, Heskey showed he could be every bit as scary as Crouch, and his flicks were pretty good. TDH has never been a big Heskey fan, but as long as he keeps supplying good flicks to people who can actually hit the side of a barn, TDH will not complain. He just has to hope all referees have the same laissez-faire attitude as today's Swede did.

TDH could still swap Lamps for Gerrard - it probably doesn't make too much difference, as long as Junior keeps his shooting under control. But Becks showed up for his last match completely wasted from jetlag, and his style of play doesn't tire out the opposition as much as SWP's. There's not much sense having him on the bench, though. What to do? As for Sol, Rio's goal won't help him to get back into the team. But Sol's a good egg and a reliable England performer, so TDH won't lobby either way.

---

In other news, the Serbs and the Portuguese ended up throwing punches. Let's write that again: the Serbs and Felipao ended up throwing punches. TDH was neither surprised nor, as if it needed saying, amused.

Speaking of fisticuffs, that drunk who attacked Sir is lucky to be alive. Playing with fire, you're playing with fire...

---

And finally, back in Argentina, TDH was glad to see El Rojo pee all over Huracan, even if TDH is somewhat saddened by the trials now being endured by El Globo. Now we just have to wait and see how long it takes for Independiente to sell German Denis to some backwater Spanish outfit for another $5 million. Grrr.

TDH has little comment on US v Brazil, not having seen the match - TDH still can't believe people here would rather watch Namibia play rugby than the two continental champions slugging it out with all of their stars. At least Clint Dempsey keeps scoring. What is it about inside strikers named Clint? (Dirty Harry jokes may now commence.)

Old problem solved, new problem remains

2007-09-01T17:19:00.000+01:00

It was 90 minutes of frustration, a few seconds of euphoria, 10 minutes of tension and then ultimately lasting satisfaction. Yes, that adds up to over 100 minutes of football, and if you don't like it, then you might want to take Steve Bennet's watch in for servicing.

Seeing Owen today was a bit like reading The Ugly Duckling. For almost an entire match, he flailed, he scrambled, he dallied and wavered... he looked like a midget from the Conference, except not as hard (you know those little coffin nails TDH is talking about), who had been dumped into the boiling cauldron of Premier League action. And then, as though hit by a bolt from the blue, all the noise in his head subsided; he raised his face skyward and thought, "Oh yeah! I remember how to do this - streak towards the box, dart between two defenders, pop in a little header and run towards the sideline like that nice Alan bloke I used to see around here." He's a swan! He's a swan!

We were close many times earlier on, of course, and it was a huge testament to Big Ham's bolstering of our defense that Wigan barely had a chance to trouble Harper. TDH is already a big Cacapa fan. He seems to be taking the alpha dog duties from Rozenhal, with Geremi sweeping ably. And Taylor didn't look too bad on the right, while Zog is turning into a Cashley Hole whom you wouldn't slug in the face on sight. Let's see if our young Spaniard can fit into this setup, too. With Beye on board (TDH thinks it's only a matter of time until little yellow tags with that motto appear on Tyneside), we should be a very stingy team this year.

But let's be honest here. No one except Milner had the faintest idea how to set up a play, and Milner got rather repetitive with his infinite-jukes-then-cross act on the left. We desperately need midfield creativity, something we had plenty of until very recently. TDH would have been playing with Nobby instead of Smith these past few matchdays (and wouldn't have sold Nobby, or bought Smith, for that matter). Smith isn't even winning balls in midfield. When Emre comes back, Smith needs to ride the pine. Likewise Barton for Butt. With all the striking power we have, all we need is a creator. Then we could actually be good.

---

Well, after that squeaker, TDH could hardly begrudge Manure another largely underserved 1-0 win, right? Oh, yes TDH can. Rarely has TDH seen so many talented, expensive footballers playing such little football. Keano entered the Theater of Screams with the mien of an East End gangster - one of the successful ones - about to break the knees of a 20-stone grass who also happened to owe him money.

Unfortunately the fight wasn't between him and Sir. That would have been a sight to see, eh? We'd finally find out if Sir had gone soft while Keano had doubtlessly kept in shape, most likely by dunking young Mackem miscreants into garbage tips. TDH was waiting for him to strip off his trim-cut suit, pull on a jersey and give that little haircut Eagles a beating in midfield.

But hey, what is TDH saying? They're Scumderland. Let 'em roast.

---

The day turned a bit sour later on when Independiente went down to a more energetic Gimnasia team in La Plata. The pitch looked very, very long as El Rojo struggled to get forward. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted. Best commentary goes to Alejandro Fabbri: "Adelantado. Mas adelantado que Pedro de Mendoza."*

* Adelantado means off-side, but literally "advanced" or "ahead of himself" - as Pedro de Mendoza was when he founded the initial, doomed settlement of Buenos Aires in 1536. (The second founding, which stuck, was in 1580.) Adelantado also happens to be the name of the office Pedro de Mendoza held as the first ruler of the Rio de la Plata region.

Oh dear.

2007-08-29T12:27:00.000+01:00

Dyer has broken his leg. Oh dear.

Could be better, could be worse

2007-08-27T12:05:00.000+01:00

Well, for a moment there TDH really thought that we'd grabbed three points on Teesside. It wasn't to be. TDH joined Big Ham in feeling a bit like the result was a loss, not a draw, especially with the new injuries. That said, TDH couldn't understand Big Ham's affection for Carr, and the alternatives must be better. And moreover, 5 points from 3 matches puts us on course for 63, which was good enough for fifth last year.

TDH and friends watched a bit of almost everything over the weekend: England, Italy, Spain, Germany, Argentina, even snatches of Mexico and MLS. Despite the overseas pundits' contention that Manure are stronger than ever, they seemed weak to the experts assembled Chez TDH. The offence of Tevez-Scholes-Giggs played like an inverted triangle, Tevez drifting over to his preferred wing while no one assumed full striking duties up front. Without Rooney, Saha - oh, for chrissake, what TDH really means is without Van Nistelrooy - Manure doesn't seem like such a threat. So, Chelsea to walk it without breaking a sweat, Liverpool a couple of strides behind. (P.S. Spurs deserved at least a point, as did City. No justice in football, eh?)

Over in Spain, it's anybody's guess. What if Riquelme goes to Atleti? Another Argentine contingent will be spoiling for a title. Barca can't score with all of its don't-call-them-galacticos, and TH must be a little surprised to be Messi's sub. (He shouldn't be, of course; both players score goals by outrunning the defense, drawing the keeper out and slotting home somewhere between the 6 and the 18.) Real have lost their service with Becks in Los Angeles, and Valencia looked woeful at Villareal despite their own cavalcade of stars. Wide open.

Italy is showing some life after some boring and scandal-plagued years. Could you tell that Juve were glad to be back in Serie A? Could you ever. TDH doesn't like the big Juve names much, but there's something to be said for the loyalty of these players. With Del Piero, Trezeguet, Nedved and Buffon firing on all cylinders, Livorno didn't stand a chance. (Ibrahimovic? Who he?) And then there was Milan, another team playing with a squad virtually unchanged from last year. Their class still shows, though TDH wouldn't necessarily put money on them to repeat.

The TDH experts concluded that there really was only one team in Germany. And Bayern with Ribery in the mix was not un-entertaining. But Bochum v Hamburg was simply a mess, barely worthy of being called football. Check, please.

Back here in Argentina, TDH's panel grudgingly accepted that Independiente was the lone "candidato" to win it all this half-season, but TDH doesn't want to get excited yet. El Rojo is a streaky team, and bad streaks can follow good, even in a 19-game tournament. Vamos a ver.

Finally, TDH sends congratulations to all the Yanks who got the start in the top leagues over the weekend, and especially to Clint Dempsey for scoring early for Fulham. The ranks are growing....

Another chapter in the England saga

2007-08-23T15:02:00.000+01:00

It all started out so promisingly, England showing more action in one half than it had in the entire World Cup. But really, it all came down to the same old story: forwards can't convert, overreliance on Becks, dodgy keeper.

Becks was far from his best, hitting virtually every ball too low - a sure sign of fatigue, or perhaps jetlag. He still manages to give himself plenty of time on the ball, but without enough gas in the tank it's not worth a damn.

Owen is still a few extra Y chromosomes short of being the stone-cold killer that Sven used to eulogize, but he's heading in the right direction. Dyer should have scored... oh, too bad. Micah Richards was quite right to demand the ball with more regularity, as he, SWP and Young Joe seemed to be the only ones posing a regular threat. And as the Tees Mouth says, with some humor, it's time for Robinson to go.

Still, TDH shouldn't complain too much. It was the most entertaining England performance in many moons.

---

If there's a team whose psychology is as screwed up as England's, and is thus equally vulnerable to bloodless Northern European efficiency, it's Argentina. Such was the case in Oslo yesterday evening.

Now, TDH would like to point out that Norway may offer the best value for money of any FIFA member. For a country with fewer than 5 million inhabitants (fewer than Scotland, half that of Portugal), it produces some outstanding footballers and a decent number of trips to the major championships. With Carew, Riise, Braaten and the Gamster, it posed a mostly England-based threat that Argentina woefully underestimated.

Carew basically did whatever he wanted for an hour, and that was enough. With Messi playing as enganche, Lucho supposedly commanding the midfield with Mascherano at sea in the back, and Milito looking woeful up front, something had to change. Saviola came on and lit up the front line, and after Maxi's goal the team suddenly decided to show up. In came 10 minutes of the fastest, most sparkling football TDH had seen since, well, Argentina in the first round of the World Cup. But 10 minutes isn't enough. TDH's friends in Buenos Aires were left shaking their heads.

---

TDH made it back to La Bombonera on Sunday, incidentally. Diego was there, despite the cold and some light rain. The match against recently promoted San Martin de San Juan - their fans traveled over 1,000 kilometers for the match - had plenty of action but little football. Really could have gone either way. After selling more than $100 million worth of players in the off-season, Argentine football is looking a bit anemic - and it's no surprise. Still, TDH won't mind if Independiente, with Captain Rolfi perhaps now the best player in the league, takes advantage by winning the Apertura....

Bathing in a sea of football

2007-08-16T22:58:00.000+01:00

Oh, it truly is a fiesta of football for TDH these days. What better way to kick things off than with a week in the UK? TDH saw a bit of Chelsea, a bit of Manure, a slice of the SPL and other bits and pieces. So far, so good.

Yes, TDH is joining much of the English media in salivating over this season. So many good players added to so many teams, with the middle of the table - perhaps up to the top two spots - lying wide open. And even at the top, nothing is certain. Manure looked fallible this week. Defenders have twigged that keep Kiki Ron out wide may neutralize much of the threat. Chelsea seem to play better without Ballack and Sheva (no surprises there, eh?), and Alex - a player whom TDH loves - will boss the back with Carvalho or Terry. But they'll need to score more than last season, even with Pizarro occasionally playing as a lone striker.

TDH took in a bit of Scotsport early this week, witnessing a pretty good performance by Beasley with Rangers and the dismantling of Falkirk by Celtic. The highlight was definitely Celtic's Nakamura, who has, in TDH's opinion, joined the elite club whose members have hitherto included Juninho Pernambucano and one David Beckham. At his best, he's automatic. Just like Beckham the other night in the Superliga semifinal. As the Argentine commentators said, his teammates mobbed him as though he'd just won the World Cup. Nice that he can feel that kind of love for once (at least since 1999 against Bayern).

Adding to TDH's joy at Newcastle's favorable start has been the top-of-the-table performance of Independiente, which seems to have found an able strike force in 20-year-old Ismael Sosa and German Denis, aka The Goofy-Looking Human Tank. Rolfi Montenegro is, of course, pulling all the strings.

In other news, TDH has been wondering who on earth is striking for Bayern these days. Pizarro is at Chelsea, Makaay is back in Holland at Feyenoord and Santa Cruz is at Blackburn.... Well, they finally picked up Klose, but who's the mystery man? None other than Luca Toni. They've both scored already. Still, TDH isn't expecting big things from Bayern in the Champions League this year. If either of these guys gets crocked, there's no one except Podolski to pick up the slack. Compare that to Chelsea, Barca, etc. and you'll see what TDH means.

Finally, TDH watched "Goal II" on the plane on the way back to Buenos Aires. Not having seen the first part in the series, TDH had to make do with few shots of Tyneside and the Toon faithful. But the film was almost engaging enough to have TDH rooting for the Merengues in a Champions League final, somewhat strangely at the Bernabeu, even more strangely against Arsenal. Rutger Hauer played the Real coach-of-the-week, a stoic Dutchman who didn't seem too differend from Bernd. Again strangely, there was a shot of (an unidentified) Wanderley Luxemburgo prowling the sideline during the supposed cup final. Well, fair enough; to the film's credit, it does let you dream, specifically of being a star boy footballer in a man's body. To judge by the closing credits, there are more "Goals" to come.

Alone at the top!

2007-08-13T00:36:00.000+01:00

Yep, the air's a little thinner up here, atop the Prem after a complete matchday. TDH held the proverbial until Sunday's matches were over, and it was worth the wait. The starters were a bit surprising (Zog in defense?), but the team clicked. TDH particularly likes Butt and Smith in midfield until Joey gets back from jail. Job well done to Big Ham - histrionics and all - and to some other unlikely candidates....

First off, of course, was Sven. Shore, he noo owl de tam det hee het harred sum goot plares. Elano is definitely a talent. But it was remarkable to see them playing such elegant football with so little preparation. Perhaps Sven should simply take teams over on rush jobs, say six matches at a stretch.

And then, TDH must give special mention to Marcus Hahnemann, Reading's American keeper, who stifled every dollop that Manure could throw at him. It ain't easy, getting a point at the Theatre of Screams.

Fulham's American contingent weren't as lucky, with McBride and Bocanegra both managing to miss a goal that could have yielded a point. TDH has grave doubts about Lawrie's losers... they'll have to wait to see if three teams are really worse. Can it be? Brickface Bruce seems to say no.

Transfer market update

2007-08-07T05:46:00.000+01:00

Okay, here are the Toon signings so far under Big Ham, with TDH's ratings:

Mark Viduka (7) - proven goal scorer, hopefully a bit of Big Ham discipline will keep him at his best even as he ages

Joey Barton (6) - a midfield boss man that we needed after selling Scottie P, but attitude problems worry TDH

David Rozenhal (8) - apparently quite a good defender, should make a good partner for Taylor

Geremi (7) - solid, versatile player who will keep us from playing Nobby at the back

Alan Smith (4) - TDH must ask why, with plenty of strikers and midfielders already at our disposal, and the headcase aspect is cause for concern

Cacapa (8) - an intriguing capture of a Lyon regular that gives us yet another much-needed option at the back

Jose Enrique (7) - a young, strong defender, just what we need except that he's only proven himself in Spain

So far, Big Ham seems to have more brains than all of our last few managers. With four potential defensive stalwarts among the signings, TDH couldn't be more pleased. Big Ham hasn't even spent half of his purported 50 million pound kitty. And the window hasn't closed yet.

We might actually compete this year. Might.

Some promising signs from Stateside...

2007-07-27T16:10:00.000+01:00

In brief, a few bits of news that have warmed TDH's proverbial cockles in the past couple of days:

Sal Zizzo, who showed fantastic skills in the Under-20 World Cup, will play for Hannover 96 of the Bundesliga in the fall.

The MLS teams won two and drew two in the first round of the new North American Superliga.

DJ Countess is Tigre's new goalkeeper for its first season in the Primera Liga de Argentina in 27 years.

Carlos Bocanegra is Fulham's captain this season.

Plus one item that didn't really surprise TDH:

Freddy Adu couldn't settle terms with Benfica, even though MLS had agreed to sell him for $2 million.

TDH bets that the $2 million is a lot less than MLS thought they'd receive a few years ago. Suck it up. Even Wayne Rooney was overhyped. The key is for Freddy to turn into a solid player, eventually in Europe, so he can play his best in 2010. MLS hasn't hurt him so far, especially as his body has matured, but soon it'll be time to move.

And finally, one item that puzzled TDH:

Eddie Johnson turned down a chance to sign with Derby County.

What are you waiting for, Eddie? Are you afraid you'll come down with a case of Donovan's Disease, also known as Palermo Syndrome, if you move to Europe?

Ding-dong!

2007-07-25T00:58:00.000+01:00

The Wicked Witch is dead! TDH has just seen this precious, golden sentence on Soccernet:

"Freddy Shepherd has given up his post as chairman of Newcastle with immediate effect."

And by golly, did any of you read this pearl dropped a few days ago by Big Ham, loyal readers?

"It is the most important thing for me to strengthen the squad we have at the moment, and particularly the defensive area."

Could things be turning around? TDH abides by the old Greek adage:

"Deeds not words"

So we shall wait and see....

TDH live in Lilongwe, and more!

2007-07-19T05:09:00.001+01:00

After a few football-less days, TDH went live in Lilongwe, Malawi, along with the eponymous Mara and a new adherent whom we'll call Menguinha. The occasion: an Argentine-style barbecue followed by the final of the Copa America. Suffice it to say that The American Geordie enjoyed the choripanes, asado de tira and lomo more than the match. But Menguinha was jumping around and blurting out Brazilian cheers while making fun of the Portuguese commentators' accents. Well, at least one of us enjoyed it.

The footballing highlight came the next day, unexpectedly, upon TDH's return to Johannesburg airport. By coincidence, the baggage from the Lilongwe flight was supposed to show up on the same belt as the baggage from Dubai. Standing right in front of TDH was a tall, olive-skinned man wearing a very tight T-shirt and pants along with some Gucci suede tennis shoes. He was blocking TDH's view of the conveyor, actually. And as TDH struggled to get a glimpse of the suitcases, the man's immigration card flashed into view along with his passport: Ali Daei, Iran.

There was no doubt - it was the holder of the world record for goals in men's international matches. TDH began shaking with excitement and then asked the legendary striker if he was on his way to Cape Town for the "90 Minutes for Mandela" match. Indeed he was, as a member of Pele's team. He graciously signed a card from TDH's wallet, and then TDH helpfully informed him that his baggage had been switched to another belt. What a thrill!

By the way, you can read the FIFA summary and the complete match report (see righthand side of the page) here. Daei apparently set up a goal for some guy named Ruud Gullit - anyone remember him?

DECO???

2007-07-09T14:58:00.000+01:00

Well, TDH used to think there were certain types of players who simply would never arrive on Tyneside. Not just the sexy football types, but the mercurial pretty boys who seemed to find their perfect home in, ahem, Spain. And now it seems as though one of them is coming our way, hopefully not for too much cash.

Who would protect Deco against the ravages of Blackburn, Bolton and company? Joey Barton? Stranger things could happen. But TDH worries more that Deco is a luxury player, not so much a playmaker as a play-adder, a frilly version of Paul Scholes. Tell TDH otherwise, please.

It wouldn't be so bad to have Viduka, Owen, Duff, Deco, Barton, Dyer, Babayaro, Rozenhal, Taylor, Ramage, Given starting a match. But the obvious lack of quality is still at the back. Why are we buying yet another midfielder (to add to Emre, Solano, etc) when we clearly need another defender?

Project 2010 is still alive!

2007-07-07T01:11:00.000+01:00

As TDH outlined below, at least ten of US Soccer's top players didn't make the trip to Venezuela for the Copa America. And as TDH was suffering through the squad's inglorious performance, it dawned on TDH that this was not even the "B" team. No, even more American stars were streaking across the artificial turf a few thousand miles north, at the Under-20 World Cup in Canada. To make matters worse, the resulting "C" team in Venezuela became a "D" team in the final match against Colombia, as all the bench players got their shot in the spotlight. TDH almost didn't complain when the national anthem was cut short, undoubtedly by some overzealous Chavista.

So it was with no small anticipation that TDH settled down to watch the Under-20 squad, led by the fiercely talented and no-longer-so-undersized Freddy Adu (he grew! it rhymes!), squaring up to Brazil in Montreal. Adu wasn't the team's only bonafide star, as striker Jozy Altidore - a 17-year-old monolith of almost Onyewu-like proportions - has been scoring at an 0.42 per 90 minutes rate in New York. But boy, could this entire team play!

Showing no intimidation at all, they pinged the ball around the pitch with ease, maintaining possession with superior speed and strength. And not only that, they had touch! and finish! and even a couple of kids who could bend it like Beckham!

TDH's favorite part was a stretch in the 56th through 58th minutes where the United States maintained absolutely continuous control, creating three excellent chances barely saved by Cassio. As Adu - a true enganche if ever the US had one - dribbled into the area to create the last chance, one of the Argentine commentators exclaimed, "Adu, Adu, Adu! Parece Brasileno!" and later "A mi me parecio que nacio en Ipanema!" Special mention must also go to keeper Chris Seitz (who really is Onyewu's size) for hanging onto almost every stop - except the Brazilian goal - and generally playing about a million times better than Kasey Keller did this week.

The US was lucky in the second half with some poor Brazilian finishing (and vice-versa, on a couple of occasions), but the US received no help at all from the referee. One Brazilian ought to have been sent off with a second yellow card for a cynical snip of Adu's ankle on the edge of the box, and another one should have received a card for retaliation, again on Adu. In the 90th minute, after several obviously bad calls, a commentator even predicted that the referee would add six or seven minutes of extra time! There were four, despite no injuries and few substitutions. TDH will take it as a mark of grudging respect for a team on the rise.

That's right, Project 2010 - the strategy that was supposed to bring the World Cup trophy to the US by that year - is still alive! With Adu rapidly fulfilling his enormous potential at the 10 spot (down here they say "enganche" for the playmaker), it really could happen. Incredible.

Here are the highlights. Pay special attention at 6:46 into the reel....

Some consolations

2007-06-25T04:36:00.000+01:00

Well, after witnessing the near-flushing of Newcastle and Independiente down their respective toilets, TDH finally enjoyed some mild footballing pleasures this week.

First Boca Juniors, which TDH need not despise anywhere near as much as Racing or River, beat Gremio in the Copa Libertadores thanks in part to an incredible goal from, as Mara would say, Riquelme, Riquelme, RIQUELME, RI-QUEL-ME! From now on, TDH thinks he will be known simply as Riquelmeooooooooool!

Yep, TDH was on the way to dinner at a fancy steakhouse when, from the taxi, one could already see hordes of Boquenses preparing to celebrate at the celebrated Obelisk, which marks the second founding of the city. This was before the match had actually started.

Then, on Sunday, the US came through by beating Mexico in the final of the Concacaf Gold Cup. TDH would like to say that our recent record against Mexico - Landon Donovan seems to be able to beat them singlehandedly - shows that we really are getting to the next level. But TDH will wait patiently until the Copa America provides further proofs. Naturally, we are yet again in the Group of Death. TDH is hoping to crush Venezuela in the final.

Speaking of which, television here in Buenos Aires is full of endless video loops of La Seleccion simply walking around the training pitch and being shouted at by the gravel-voiced Coco Basile, as Venezuelan soldiers with machine guns ambled about in the background. Fascinating. (By the way, you don't have to speak Spanish to enjoy that clip. Just listen to the man in the leather jacket. This is a show that appears every week, if not every day, on Argentine television.)

---

So TH went to Barca. Is anyone surprised? The man already has more money than Oprah, and he wants to win silverware. Duhhhh.

---

If we lose Michael Owen to f*cking Man City, then we will really be showing that we're aiming no higher than Bolton did under Big Ham. If we lose Michael Owen and don't use the money to buy a central defender, then we will really be the stupidest f*cking team on the planet.

---

Finally, have a look at the end-of-season TDH stats on the right. It seems we've gotten ourselves a striker who's every inch Didier Drogba's equal! TDH must say, these statistics are a bit surprising. Okay, TDH didn't see as much of the second half of the season as usual, thanks to a lot of traveling, but really - Yakubu always seemed the more effective of the Boro heavies, and Berbatov appeared to be an utter genius. Who would have thought, though, that Bobby Zamora was the true star? Not everything's a surprise, of course; Lamps and Gilberto Silva still gave you good value for money.

As usual, the mind reels

2007-06-07T03:42:00.000+01:00

TDH is somewhat flustered at the moment. Befuddled, perhaps. At the very least, puzzled.

Could it be that the twine that held the tatters of the England squad together was not Sven, not Terry, not Gerrard, not Lampard but Golden Balls himself? Becks is back, and everything's going swimmingly. How can it be that the addition of a skilled crosser on the right changes the whole game? Incredible but true, it seems. Even Crouch can head these missiles in, which is saying something.

Of course, something also has to be said for the return of the Tall and Small show, which was so effective against, um, Argentina in that famous friendly a couple of years back. It's comforting to Magpie fans, except for the fact that Owen will inevitably be injured before he returns in the black and white. That is, if he's not sold first.

Which leads TDH to the second universe-tilting part of the story. Does Scottie P have a beef with Big Ham, or vice-versa? Did our captain really just want to go back to London? Come on now, TDH has to know what really happened here. We've lost the most diehard player in the squad, who played through head injury and likely concussion last season. Who's going to set that kind of example now?

Barton, you say? Well, he is a blood-in-the-eyes sort of player, but TDH worries about his maturity. Perhaps Big Sam can scare some sense into him. In other news, TDH wasn't sad to see Shitus go, naturally, but there was a bit of a twinge when Antoine said goodbye. The fact is, he was a useful guy to have around, whether to score goals in UEFA ties when everyone else was injured, or just to bull the defenders about a bit. TDH hopes someone else will fill that role, though with Viduka, Owen, Martins, and er, oh yes, Shola, the striking complement is pretty much full. Now, where's that new defender....

Farewell Freddy?

2007-05-23T18:03:00.000+01:00

And thereby, good riddance? The news that Mike Ashley has already bought 41.6 percent of the club, and must now offer for Freddy's nearly 30 percent stake, has warmed TDH's heart. Perhaps, with a new chairman in charge, the madness will finally end.

For TDH, the most important thing is to stop the nonsense and get a bit more scientific about our football. Perhaps Sven would have been better than Sam for that job, but that particular die has already been cast (and TDH is always leery of someone who has as high an opinion of himself, without anything to show for it, as Sven).

We need to be more scientific about our transfers, our fitness regimen and our style of play. And TDH doesn't mean mad scientist scientific - Duff up front again, anyone? - but something more along the lines of what Rafa's done. We don't have the players to tinker like he does, nor might we want to if we did, but he always puts out a lineup where the players work well together.

Yes, TDH will miss Freddy's bordello blather and Land Rover rants, but at some point we have to care about the football. It's possible to be colorful, sleazy, infuriating and downright hilarious while still winning football games, as many others have proved.

TDH at Giants Stadium, and other consolations

2007-05-21T03:18:00.000+01:00

TDH rode the bus out to East Rutherford, New Jersey yesterday for an unprecedented event. The New York Red Bulls entertained the Columbus Crew, with two recently arrived Latin American stars on the pitch. For the Red Bulls, striking at number 9 was a newly shorn Juan Pablo Angel. That's right, the black headband is a thing of the past. For the Crew, winging it at number 7 was Guillermo "El Mellizo" Barros Schelotto. The banners for Guille were everywhere: "Guille, Boca loves you" and "Guille, thanks for everything! (Go Crew)" were TDH's favorites.

And what a contrast the two players presented. Angel didn't do a heck of a lot of running at the beginning, but he soon got into the swim of things, dancing through the woeful Crew defense and distributing ably to New York's wingers. When he put away his first Red Bull goal ever, the rain-soaked stadium erupted in as much pandemonium as the 10,321 fans in attendance could muster.

By contrast, Guille spent most of his 67 minutes running into space, not getting the ball and then waving his arms in frustration and mock amazement. Naturally, he also had a few choice words for the referee. He moved from right, to left, to center in an effort to get into the play, occasionally with success. But the guy didn't seem to be enjoying himself, while it might as well have been Angel's birthday. More power to Bruce Arena.

In the bus on the way back to Manhattan, a rowdy crowd of semi-drunk, twenty-something New York fans performed a minor football miracle. From the back of the coach, they sang adapted versions of TDH's favorite European and Latino football chants for the entire half-hour journey. Virtually all of them harked back to the MetroStars era. Here is TDH's number one, to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic, which will be familiar to the Toon Army:

DC United went to Rome to see the pope;
DC United went to Rome to see the pope;
DC United went to Rome to see the pope;
And this is what he said: "F*CK OFF!"

"Who the f*ck's DC United?"
"Who the f*ck's DC United?"
"Who the f*ck's DC United?"
And the Metro marches on....

TDH also applauds the fans for this Columbus-appropriate taunt: "We all laugh at a yellow soccer team, a yellow soccer team, a yellow soccer team...."

---

Obviously, that was a pleasurable evening. It was only slightly enhanced by the experience of seeing Manure lose the FA Cup, with Kiki Ron completely neutralized by someone who's probably seen him plenty of times on the practice pitch, the much-maligned Paulo Ferreira. Peter Cech had an absolute stormer, clearly back to his best and TDH's Man of the Match.

TDH joined Mara in wondering why Young Joe was removed and not SWP. The latter's supposed to be super-fast Shaunie-on-the-Spot, yet where was he when Drogba was dribbling alone up front? Nowhere to be seen. And don't tell TDH that The Special One could only play Cole or Robben on the left; both of them have played on the right, too. You can't argue the result, but it was Drogba's class that won the day. More power to him.

Glenn, we hardly knew ye

2007-05-09T05:11:00.000+01:00

First, TDH would like to wish a well-meaning man well. And TDH would only have let Roeder go if TDH already knew that there was a superior option available. Given our recent exploits in the managerial market, that is hardly probable. So let TDH ask - who is waiting in the wings?

Big Ham's name has come up many times, of course. But his style of football hardly fits what the Toon faithful expect, nor does it suit our quick, young, and generally small players. Perhaps Big Ham has more than one arrow in his strategic quiver, but TDH will believe it when we see it.

Well, at the very least, we can hope for the usual 9-0-0 run that follows a new manager's accession. But after that? We seem destined to labor in 13th or 14th place for at least part of every season. The question is, how long next year?

AND WHEN WILL WE HIRE A NEW PHYSIO AND INSTITUTE A COMPUTERIZED, MILAN-STYLE TRAINING REGIME, FOR F*CK'S SAKE?!?!?!?

Yawn

2007-05-03T22:24:00.000+01:00

Ah, it's not easy being TDH these days. Business travel intervened to prevent TDH from seeing all but about 15 minutes of the Champions League semifinals; fortunately those 15 minutes included Kaka's excellent opening goal at the Theatre of Screams. Is Kiki Ron the best player in the world? Don't bet on it, pal.

Our Michael's return wasn't exactly stellar, just in keeping with the ongoing mediocrity we've been experiencing. What can we look forward to next year? Perhaps more of the same. At least we have Martins. TDH likes Martins.

Well, there's some consolation that Manure won't have a triple. TDH had a secret desire to see Chelsea win the quadruple, just because it would have been, uh, so awesome, dude. But now TDH is 100 percent behind Liverpool, because they win with grit. And obviously, to have three English teams in the final four and still lose would be just too embarrassing.

That's about as much as TDH can motivate to say. Except that May 19 has been marked in the calendar: the day that Reyna and Angel take on Barros Schelotto in MLS action. That's right, action.

Dregs of the weekend

2007-04-16T22:50:00.000+01:00

Dregs is the right word, since this weekend in NYC was soaked through. That didn't stop the New York Red Bulls, under a somewhat reinvigorated Bruce Arena, from tearing through FC Dallas and putting three past Shaka Hislop - WAIT A SECOND, SHAKA HISLOP? That's right, loyal readers, Becks and Captain America aren't the only familiar names heading stateside. And to be honest, that worries TDH. Will MLS turn into another starf*cking NASL, or will in continue to prepare good young players for Europe? Can it really do both?

---

Kiki Ron does not deserve the English league awards. He hasn't won anything yet! Drogba carried Chelski to the title, and Manure may yet lose it this year. Plus, Kiki Ron is a cheating little prick. No one dives more or more easily - he makes Andrew Johnson look like the Archbishop of Canterbury without the beard.

---

TDH is starting to cast the film of Germany 2006. First up is the hero/villain of the final, and his double:

At last, a little football

2007-04-12T06:02:00.000+01:00

Okay, TDH admits it, watching football has not been easy lately. First, there haven't been many opportunities back Stateside. But then, TDH hasn't exactly sought them out. The twin disappointments of Newcastle and Independiente, added to the lack of playing time, left TDH without much taste for the game for a while there. Yep, it was sort of like a bout of the flu, except without the runny nose. (That came later.)

After yesterday's Manure match, TDH was prepared to make an offer to all and sundry professional clubs and national squads. The last two matches TDH had witnessed had ended 5-1 and 7-1 for the home side. Was this not the work of TDH as talisman? TDH truly intended to put out a notice on the wires that, for the right price, TDH would watch the right team in Wednesday's action.

Well, TDH forgot about that, and the goals didn't exactly rain down at the Allianz Arena. But there was some pretty decent football on display there. The old grafters from Milan showed that they still had some class left in them, even though it probably wouldn't be enough to beat an English team. They'll get the chance to find out how it feels to run into Sir's woodchipper in a couple of weeks. By then it'll be clean and ready to power through some more aged Italian walnut. Mmmm, now that's quality wood.

TDH was pleased to see, by the way, that Gattuso had finally lost some weight - by cutting his hair. Now he doesn't look like a sleazy kiddie-fiddler; instead, he looks like a sleazy kiddie-fiddler who's just gotten out of jail. Full marks from TDH. And Pippo the Clown, well, he did what he does best, which includes the bit about being offside. Let's see how he does against someone who's not a fat Dutchman or a midget. (TDH means you, Philipp "Magic Dwarf" Lahm!)

TDH returns to La Bombonera!

2007-03-19T04:10:00.000Z

On Sunday morning, two of TDH's friends arrived in Buenos Aires from the US. As it happened, Sunday was the only day during their trip that they'd be in Buenos Aires while a local not-River team was playing at home. So TDH made a call, and within an hour tickets were delivered to the football-hungry trio, who were having lunch at a sidewalk table outside a local restaurant.

To La Bombonera they went. It was a perfect day that made a pretty good setting for playing football (TDH prefers gray and cool to warm and bright). The trio took their seats in Sector K; of course, down here in Argentina, everyone's in Sector K. Sitting directly above La Doce - and thus not being able to observe their madness - was mitigated by shade from the intense sun, as well as a prime view of Diego's box.

In the second half, there he was, leaning out above the pitch and smacking the glass wall in rhythm with the supporters' chants. He's putting on weight again, and his beard's a little gray. By that time, it was already 4-0 Boca. Gimnasia La Plata were caught flat-footed with three goals in the first 10 minutes, then the pace slowed a bit as the fourth - and Martin "El Loco" Palermo's third - came in the 15th.

That eight-minute hat trick must have been one of the fastest in league history. Palermo netted a fourth in the second half, poaching from a teammate's miss just minutes after failing to finish an easier chance. Overall, he was deadly inside the box, but the knock on him was all too true - whenever he had the ball at his feet outside the box, whenever he had to pass, it was a disaster.

The opposite was true of Riquelme, Riquelme, RIQUELME, RIQUELME!!! whose tally of sweet moves handily exceeded that of the other 21 players on the pitch put together. Every time Boca went forward, he got the ball. Every goal, therefore, went through him. When he tried a run into the box, of course, it had to end in tears.

On the way out, a few blocks from the stadium, traffic stopped and a few guys jumped out of their car to knock on the window of the sleek black Mini in front of their clunker. "Diego, Diego, una firma!" they shouted, and indeed the ostentatious silver chains of the maestro could be seen gleaming through the dark tint. On the next block, the window actually came down - but then the Mini and its two decoy doubles split up and raced away.

Lately, TDH's friends have been saying that supporting Independiente is intolerable, and TDH must change to Boca. Riquelme, they say, is reason enough. But TDH glibly responds, "Rolfi [Montenegro] es mi Riquelme." And when Rolfi races into the area, he's not just having a laugh....

---

Oh yeah, and there was some other football on Sunday... not worth mentioning.

To a screeching halt

2007-03-15T23:08:00.000Z

Damn that away goals rule. TDH was tragically prescient as we crashed out of the only tournament we still had a chance of winning. What more is there for TDH to say? It's the same old story. We have good players, except for defenders. We could even keep them healthy, if we had a Milan-style fitness regime. No wonder Fatty Ronaldo went there happily, and Fatty Ronaldinho may be on the way.

How can these long-sought changes finally be effected? Does TDH have to buy the bleeding club?

Sigh.

Don't get too excited

2007-03-09T04:30:00.000Z

Okay, TDH was watching on ESPN GameCast as our lads took it to AZ, and sure, it seemed to be going so well. Everyone loves to put four past the opposition, even if you give up a couple in the process. But no, soon enough it dawned on TDH. This was not such a great result.

Call it UEFA math. A 4-2 victory is actually worse than a 2-0 victory, thanks to the away goals rule. That's right, it's not much different from a puny 1-0 scoreline. If AZ win 2-0 or 3-1 in their house, they go through. Sure, it's nice to know that Obadiah is still wreaking havoc on defenses from across the continent, but come on - where the hell is our defense?

TDH was a little puzzled to see Roeder sending Carr, Taylor and Bramble out into the backline. Where's Edgar? Is Bernard too fat to slot in at rightback as per once was usual? TDH wants answers....

---

Meanwhile, the big guns were duking it out in fairly boring fashion this week. Bizarrely, the Merengues' trip to Munich was the most entertaining tie of the matchday. And TDH had to admit to being a bit surprised when Ballack came up with the big score for the Billionaire Boys. It's weird, seeing Ballack, Drogba, Lampard, Shevchenko and Robben celebrating together... and not for winning every game by three or four goals. TDH must ask yet again: Are these guys just over the hill, or is The Special One really not so special?

If Liverpool ever get their finishing back, they'll win this tournament. Mark TDH's words.

---

TDH also has a question. How come so many players for Bayern have faces like rodents? Are they the ugliest team left in the Champions League, or does Manure have the stranglehold on that title? I'd pit Hargreaves, Sagnol and Salihamidzic (or maybe Makaay or Kahn) against Neville, Rooney and Ronaldo (or maybe Scholes?)....

EXTRA: TDH meets England's bête noire!

2007-03-01T04:49:00.000Z

It took a couple of big coincidences, but tonight TDH ran into the man England fans love to hate.

Yesterday, while enjoying a stroll down the street in Buenos Aires, TDH was hailed from behind. It turned out to be an old friend from university, someone TDH hadn't seen for years, who's now a television producer in Los Angeles. She invited TDH out to the flashy Faena hotel for drinks tonight.

TDH, as it happened, had never been there before, partly because it was all the way across town, partly because TDH has had fully enough of Philippe Starck. (Haven't we all?) But two friends of TDH happened to come by this evening, and by chance they offered a ride and dinner at a restaurant right across from the Faena. So off TDH went.

And there, as TDH was sitting by the pool wearing La Seleccion's long-sleeved jersey from Argentina 1978, in walked a man with a sharp suit and a flat-top haircut. He even smirked as he saw the shirt. It was, of course, the coach of the current Argentine champions and the player who got the $250 Million Man (sound effects, please) sent off in the World Cup: Diego "Cholo" Simeone.

El Cholo sat down with two buddies at the next table, a table meant for six or eight. Within seconds, three bog-standard porteña women (read: leggy, long-haired goddesses) walked over and asked if they could take the rest of the seats. Where did they come from? This was no mingling bar. Later, a taxi driver explained to TDH, "Oh, you just call a number, and they come...." Well, duh.

TDH waited until the check came, then took the pen and asked El Cholo to sign a paper coaster. He did, with his surname, nickname and a big smile when TDH said, through clenched teeth, what a pleasure it was to see him there. Dirty player, nice guy? Grrr, he did play for Racing, but maybe someday TDH will forgive him for all his footballing sins....

Alas, poor Reading, and other soliloquies

2007-02-28T03:50:00.000Z

'Twas a shame that Reading succumbed to one of their own crossbars today at the Madejski. TDH could hardly have imagined a better fightback after the sucker punch to end all sucker punches - three goals before six minutes had elapsed. Perhaps Lita could have come on a few minutes earlier, but it was important to insert him when his speed would create the greatest possible contrast with the slowing of the Manure defense. Still, those six minutes: they showed not only how weak Reading's defense was early, not only the precision of the Manure finishing, but most of all the ability of Sir's boys to take advantage of a ripe opportunity.

TDH has some grudging respect for Sir these days. Not too long ago, he found himself with a group of rather high-strung pretty boys. Now, he seems to have dimmed their dreams of individual stardom and turned them into a workaday bunch of serious grafters - a testament, perhaps, to the man who reinvented the hairdryer. TDH would be hard-pressed to bet against them for the title, though the FA Cup may be a different matter if they keep playing the second string.

---

Don't ask TDH about the Wigan match. Don't ask TDH, either, about "El Loco" Palermo's wondergoal against Independiente at the weekend. TDH's pibes haven't been the same since they sold Orteman to Boca. Now, there's no one to hold things down behing Rolfi. Pusineri doesn't have the garra to intimidate midfielders the way Orteman did. (Would you have messed with this guy?) TDH thinks it's bad luck, too, for having to play the whole season in Racing's stadium. Ugh.

---

TDH is a little bit concerned about the UEFA Cup draw, too. AZ Alkmaar is in excellent form these days, and they've become a genuine force to be reckoned with in the past couple of years. Now we'll find out what we're really made of.

The best league in the world

2007-02-19T04:31:00.000Z

Yes, TDH has had a chance to compare a bit in the past few weeks, having resubmerged in the football-centric world that is Buenos Aires and Argentine television. And without a doubt, the original is still the best when it comes to association football.

In no other league are so many mid-table teams worth watching. Bolton, Spurs, Fulham, Reading and even our dear Magpies bring plenty of excitement to the pitch. TDH found the recent FA Cup and Premiership ties particularly tasty - full of action, speed, strength and even the occasional miraculous finish. Three of Spurs' four goals today were better than anything TDH had seen in Spain or Italy lately. And the scoreline still flattered them.

Despite, or perhaps because of, The Special One's apparent quest to prove that the galactico system works just as poorly in London as in Madrid, there's a genuine title race on. And the excitement and quality continue well down the table. Almost anyone - well, except Watford - can win on a given day.

Watching other leagues, TDH always gets the feeling that most of the players strolling leisurely around the pitch would either be 1) squashed or 2) outrun by their counterparts in the Premiership. It takes a very talented fellow indeed - a Berbatov, an Essien - to make the jump.

TDH tuned in to see El Kun on show at Sevilla today, and it was clear that a bit of robust defending could often disrupt his willy-nilly runs. Having gorged on Aaron Lennon earlier in the day, TDH was left wondering: if you could pick either of the two today, whom would it be? It'd be a tough one for TDH, but Lennon's combination of quickness and power - even without Aguero's creativity and extra years of youth - would probably win the day. What do you all say?

The football gods were smiling

2007-02-11T06:26:00.000Z

TDH barely has any fingernails left... from the last few seasons, so there wasn't much to chew away as we hung on for dear life at St. James's Park on Saturday. My, it was a treat enough that the match was actually being shown in Argentina - usually only the matches of the top three make it onto the small screen - but then the result! You could see how chuffed Roeder was, and TDH felt much the same way. But where Roeder said it was grit and Babayaro that brought us through, TDH is willing to give the football gods their due.

Harper had a screamer, of course, and Taylor made up for his difficulty adjusting to the rightback role by earning the penalty. Oba has remarkable strength for a guy his height, and remarkable composure for a guy his age. We're lucky to have him. All of Obadiah Milner looked pretty good, in fact. Onyewu was imposing but not quite as quick as TDH hoped. Perhaps he's still getting adjusted. And if you want to know why Liverpool haven't contended for the title in recent years, just look at how many chances they squandered.

Hopefully this momentum will carry us through a nice midweek fixture in Belgium, and perhaps, eventually, into another European spot. For TDH, the main question is, when will this bust-boom cycle stop? Not that TDH minds the ride, of course....

Oooh, the power of American soccer!

2007-02-08T17:47:00.000Z

Yes, TDH will move quickly past the Brian McBride-aided defeat of our lads down at Craven Cottage, which saw a handful of Yanks on the pitch, and straight onto El Clasico de Norteamerica, also known as US v Mexico.

What? Wasn't TDH watching France v Argentina yesterday? Of course. And alas, the US match didn't make it onto the telecasts here (unlike England v Spain). But TDH swells with pride when images of Jimmy Conrad blasting a header and Landon Donovan juking past El Pajaro Sanchez appear. Rafa Marquez didn't take the defeat too well, apparently, but who cares? The 64,000 crowd in Phoenix was almost entirely pro-Mexico, so there were no excuses for the Tricolores.

There were no excuses for Steve McLaren, either. England still isn't clicking, and one has to wonder why. Is it just that the players lack sufficient technique? All that running doesn't make a whit of difference if you have a lousy first touch. We know they're capable of playing well, but it's simply too difficult for them to string passes together. And Crouch, Crouch! Why, why, must England have a towering striker who can't head the ball and insists on turning every chance into a bicycle kick, his flailing limbs doing a credible impression of a Dutch windmill?

That Argentina match was pretty great viewing in the first half. Coco's boys played some pretty neat football, and the defending was as solid as it gets, with Ayala and Heinze going for every ball and Zanetti providing the out. In fact, the Inter contingent was in full flow, with Burdisso, Cambiasso and Crespo pushing forward. The second half wasn't as much fun, despite Domenech laying out five of his seven strikers - Anelka, Henry, Govou, Cisse and Ribery - all at once! Add in Saha, and it's a lineup anyone would salivate over... yet somehow impotent.

---

Meanwhile, the repatriation of Argie stars continues with Riquelme, Riquelme, RIQUELME, R I Q U E L M E! being brought back to La Bombonera on loan. Maybe Mauricio Macri is just trying to boost his chances of moving up from President of CA Boca Juniors to President of Argentina. Or maybe he saw Veron win the Apertura for Estudiantes and decided he needed some seasoned talent for himself. Either way, Roman is far too young to stay in South America longer than a few months. Hopefully he'll make his way back to Europe afterwards, but you can bet TDH will go to see him while he's here!

---

Alas, Mara, your Rossoneri will have to play in silence for a while. Of course, TDH doubts that the players will mind too much. Won't they be doing just what all of us used to do at weekends in the park? It might even be more fun than usual. TDH thinks they should dispense with those silly uniforms and play light and dark shirts instead....

Single digits!

2007-02-01T06:13:00.000Z

Obadiah Milner strikes again! Sounds like we hung on by our teeth this time, but it was well worth the ride... we made it all the way up to 9th on the table, even if Spurs have a game in hand. Are things finally starting to come together?

Well, we have a pretty darn good XI on our books now, if they can just get healthy. In fact, we have more than we need in some positions. If TDH could choose, they'd look like this:

F - Owen, Martins; M - Duff, Parker, Dyer, Milner; D - Edgar, Onyewu, Taylor, Ramage; G - Given

I think Dyer's earned a starting spot, and it's clear he can play in the hole. Milner is also impossible to drop at this point. TDH never thought Emre would belong outside the starting XI, and the fact that Zog and Nobby can be left out shows how much quality we actually have. Would that the same were true in defense, but at least things are improving a bit.

---

In other action, TDH had the choice of watching Goons v Spurs, Manure v Watford, or Roma v AC Milan this afternoon. And the choice was surprisingly easy. The first leg of the North London derby was tons of fun to watch, even if it was the Carling Cup with a bunch of kids. Heck, those kids run a lot! So TDH tuned in again, and the game, though not quite of top quality, was plenty entertaining. In the end, Jaws's failure to put on Lennon probably made the difference. So what if Kiki Ron and El Roon scored again and Totti missed another penalty?

---

So, Masche has finally escaped from the hell he found in East London. I'm not exactly sure why FIFA made an exception for him, except for the old chestnut that their rules have no import if they get in the way of making money. And that's true even if no palms were greased to make the transfer happen. Tevez will continue to suffer, though...

Could our savior be a Yank?

2007-01-29T15:56:00.000Z

It seems like the planets are aligning in the skies above TDH. After a long January in which the word "Newcastle" only made the transfer headlines with the release of one Liam Atkin to Carlisle United, the constellations have finally begun to coalesce. And they're mapping out the face of, would you believe it, a star of the US national team: our battleship, Oguchi Onyewu.

You remember Onyewu - he's the one against whom a penalty was unfairly given in our last match of Germany 2006 when Ghana's appropriately-named Pimpong simply bounced off him in the 18-yard box. The ref couldn't quite understand just how big Onyewu is, or how running into him could give much the same impression as hitting the side of a parking garage. At 6'4" (1.93 m) and 210 lbs (15 st, 95 kg), he's easily our biggest outfield player.

And he can play. Premier League clubs have been chasing him for a couple of years, but he decided to keep refining his game at Standard Liege. He's only 24, and he'd be a fantastic signing for us if we can get him. If we do, TDH might not complain so much about all the defenders we've already missed: Lauren, Ehiogu, apparently Upson, plus that Bale kid and a couple of other youngsters.

---

Chelsea have finally found a use for that Ukrainian guy - beating up on lower-division opposition in cup competitions. Kind of shows you just what kind of league they have over there in the boot-shaped country, eh?

Want to beat the Goon Show? Go to Bolton and beg Big Sam for advice. TDH has pointed out the Trotters' skill at disrupting the pretty triangles before, and TDH fully expects them to turn their draw at the Emirates into a win at the Reebok....

One call shy of an embarrassment

2007-01-21T04:39:00.000Z

Well, it was a nice fightback by the lads today, but it's looking like an ugly pattern is developing: thanks to our shoddy defense, we start every match 0-2 down. Then it's just a question of scoring in time to turn the momentum and salvage some points.

All that said, it was crucial not to lose to a relegation favorite at home, and we can take something away from the match on the true grit front. And TDH has to add that whenever Oba, Dyer and Milner are on the pitch together, with Scottie P pushing in behind, you have to fancy us to score. Plus, they sound like one player; "Hey, put on that promising young tyke, Obadiah Milner!"

Still, there is a worrying fact in the background. On the BBC's list of January transfers, the word "Newcastle" appears not once. Rumors that we are in for Rio's little brother warm TDH's proverbial cockles, but TDH has heard rumors before....

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Some hundreds of miles south, the introduction of one Clint "Deuce" Dempsey sent TDH into restrained hysterics of ecstasy. The signing of our best player from Germany 2006 for something in the range of $3 million is a huge triumph for MLS, and TDH is hoping to see much more of the same as the league grows.

Fulham now have three Americans on their books - and they're all actually good. Together with McBride, Bocanegra and Dempsey, we have Beasley and Reyna at City, Hahnemann and Convey at Reading, Friedel at Blackburn, Howard at Everton, Spector at West Ham, Gibbs at Charlton, DeMerit at Watford, and Smith at Bolton. And they're all actually getting minutes. Incredible. Almost as incredible as seeing Montella finally score a goal.

---

Denizens of the Kop, take it easy. You're not in the championship race. You're just making it tougher for the Billionaire Boys Club. And the way they're playing, they don't deserve to win anything. Essien should have been called for a penalty, by the way.

Gutted

2007-01-18T04:28:00.000Z

Like a fish.

TDH arrived back in sunny Buenos Aires this morning, and before long had found that there were now five, not four, channels devoted to football 24-7. A good sign. And then, after doing the shopping, TDH returned to find live pictures being piped from St. James's Park on ESPN+. A moment of serendipity? A fortuitous return? Dream on.

What a disaster it was. The youngsters were finally found out. Huntingforaclue couldn't cope at the back, and Pattihearst hit so many passes to the opposition that TDH ran out of fingers and toes. With no Parker or Emre to protect the back one-and-a-half, Butt did his best. But his best was not enough. And with Dyer, Oba and Antoine running fiercely but linking up only sporadically, there was little we could do but take our whuppin'.

The pain, the pain. Bruce's Brum Bums looked flaccid through much of the first half, but they kept up the pressure in the second. So, we're a Cup team, are we? Not if we're not in any Cups. Let's hope Europe offers us a tad more joy.

---

Meanwhile, back in Argentina, the locals are crowing over their expatriate stars. Saviola's occasionally unintentional brilliance has been re-enacted countless times on several channels and, less excitingly, in the press. Gago and Higuain have received their share of the headlines, as has the resurgent - hurrah! - Aguero.

Soon the season will begin again, TDH will be at Independiente and all will be right with the world. That is, if we win the UEFA Cup.

---

Finally, Posh Spice's husband to MLS for up to $50 million a year? Is it a return to NASL-era celebrity hearse-chasing?

TDH Live at SJP!

2006-12-24T14:27:00.000Z

Fantastic win yesterday at SJP! TDH was on the scene and will be posting photos asap. Festive atmosphere all throughout, thanks to the brilliant opening goals. (This should put paid to those bits of "Dyer was only any good at striker in that cup tie against Southampton" nonsense.) Martins was a constant threat, and the link-ups with Emre, Parker and Milner were of a generally high standard.

Roeder really made a masterstroke inserting Nobbie at right-back, for one simple reason: the man knows what to do when the ball's at his feet - total confidence. And who would have thought Ramage would be able to bottle up Berbatov like a quart of cheap Bulgarian wine? Well, almost.

It was a cold one, of course, and though TDH battled on through the first half with just one thin layer under aforementioned No. 17 European shirt, eventually just about everyone gave in and put on the parkas. Naturally, the pies had already run out by halftime. If it hadn't been for the stodge from the Clayton St. Chippy, consumed en route to the stadium, TDH might have given up the ghost. Anyway, a grand old time was had by all, even with the usual defensive blunders and an unusual but ultimately costless flub by St. Seamus.

Later, TDH took in the first MoTD for quite a while, and was pleased to see the armchairs gaffers completely unchanged in their striped shirts and with their chirpy/glum/vaguely indignant patter. Ahhh, England....

UPDATE: Too bad about Ramage's freak own goal at the Reebok, but here are some photos related to our more glorious moments on Saturday.

From the sheep in the fields of the Northeast to the street outside SJP:

The crowds pour in, and the pitch is all Adidas-y:

Visual proof of attendance and some players (or are those ants?):

Nowhere better for some warming chips than this place:

Deja deja vu

2006-12-17T17:40:00.000Z

Can it be, once again we will stride from the bottom of the table into a European place? It's not such a crazy thought. If our ramshackle, injury-wracked squad can continue to turn out good results - even if we still can't kill off a match early - then we're in with a chance. Perhaps we can collect another gorgeous bimetallic Intertoto Cup!

Ah, what was AG saying about Oba in a comment on the last post? He certainly seems to be feeling at home in the Premier League. That second strike yesterday was pure, vicious aggression, just what TDH likes to see. He appeared to have the ball at his feet in slow motion, which made the ruthlessly lashed finish look like even more of a thunderbolt. TDH will be toasting him all weekend.

The club is selling tickets online for Spurs on Saturday, and TDH will be up high in the Milburn Stand. If anyone fancies a pint at halftime or after the match, get in touch.

You can't win anything with kids

2006-12-10T19:01:00.000Z

Well, Arsene almost stole one at the Bridge, but it warn't to be. And truth be told, it never should have been. The Goon Show should feel flattered by the 1-1 scoreline. Its yoof system couldn't quite keep up, despite the splendid Eboue. Indeed, with either Cudicini or Cech in goal, it's doubtful the Gunners would even have gotten one.

There was a winner, of course, in this draw: Sir. Yes, Sir can clack his gum-chewing teeth together in glee as he picks up two more points on the champs. And who knows, we of the Toon may even gain something out of the match, if Drogba is indeed as injured as he looked. He is an incredibly influential player, which makes The Inscrutable One's decision to keep him on for the last 15 minutes of the match, possibly aggravating his knock, more than a little puzzling.

TDH will continue to puzzle over Jose's selection policy. Ballack was again all but absent, save that one slashing shot in the first half. Sheva has plainly lost a step, and he doesn't appear fully fit, either. Too many heavy English meals? And in the turnaround of the year, Fat Frank is positively svelte! He looks about five years younger. Sure, Jose wanted to shake up the Gooners with a physical start, hence Geremi (who always seems to keep the ball simply by bulling into defenders), but can he really afford to keep Rocket Robben on the bench for 65 minutes? Bench Sheva, play Robben. Bench Ballack, try out Young Joe or Obi Mikel from the off.

Finally, for those of us old enough to remember Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, I bring you this musical tribute to one of the hardest men in football management. You wouldn't like to meet him in a dark alley in Hackney, I tell you what....

Never taunt a Turk...

2006-12-07T06:19:00.000Z

TDH was once reading a stuffy travel guide to Turkey when a particularly vivid passage intruded on the otherwise dully presented content. It read something like this: "Never challenge a Turk to a fight, because he will not stop fighting until he has won or he is unconscious."

Reading coaches, please take note. Our dear Emre, so often misnamed Belozoglu Emre by the football press (it's Emre Belözoğlu, idiots), showed exactly that sort of never-give-in attitude last night at St. James's. Now, it's fortunate that he didn't completely lose his rag before halftime, the way another volatile, stocky veteran of Turkish football - I'm talking about a certain Romanian magician here - undoubtedly would have. Instead, he stuck it to the suburbanites in the best possible way... even if it was against an American goalkeeper.

By the sound of the reports, it could have been 5-2, or maybe 5-3. What's clear is that our attackers are again capable of playing exciting football. Complaints of a lack of striking options are ringing a bit hollow, what with Antoine's form and Oba's return. We could indeed use a replacement for Rossi, who's heading back to Manure as TDH predicted. But surely the main need is a towering central defender, and perhaps a leftback as well. Please!

Finally, Palms: TDH is going to start deleting your comments if you persist in jinxing our players. Looks like I won't have to buy you that beer in Malawi after Dyer's latest crock, eh? Too bad - I was hoping I'd have to pay up. Now shut it, or I'll have to get all Brian Perkins on you.

Cripes, they did it again

2006-11-24T09:32:00.000Z

Well, now, this is really too much. A come-from-behind victory against the 10th-best team in Spain? Okay, they're below Recreativo Huelva, but still....

The European magic continues. And let's hope that if nothing else, it gives the team a bit more confidence about playing in the Premiership. It won't be easy, of course, with continued injuries and Duff having gone under the knife, but perhaps Pompey is the sort of target that's realistic for building on our 1-1 victory at the Emirates.

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Chelsea to leave Stamford Bridge? Yes, and presumably Fulham to move in afterwards, right? Mr. A might have more money than Croesus or Creon, but he still likes to see a little return on investment, it seems.

Sow and ye shall reap!

2006-11-18T18:46:00.000Z

Well, TDH has a confession to make, for starters. Another dinner at a Hong Kong private kitchen prevented seeing most of the match. TDH managed to catch a glimpse of a faraway television screen showing 1-1 after 83 minutes and change, and then it was just silent prayer until arriving home to read the final score.

But nevertheless, TDH has the gall to claim some vindication. Dyer as a quasi-striker, allowing Duff to roam a bit more, and Solano starting for Milner paid dividends, practically suggesting that Roeder is either 1) extremely perceptive or 2) a loyal reader of TDH. (Which are really the same thing, right?) Of course, it didn't hurt that Given and Martins were back. Could it be that we're starting to look like a real team again? A team that must be spoken of in serious tones, even?

We can hope....

A journey of a thousand miles...

2006-11-11T17:37:00.000Z

...begins with a single point at City. And it certainly could have been worse, were it not for the almost universally stellar effort of one Mr. Harper - wonderful saves, yes, so wonderful that TDH will momentarily forget about him almost falling backwards into the post as the ball sailed over his head.

TDH saw two very different strategies on show. Psycho opted to throw everything at the Toon from the off, with constant pressure throughout the first half. Roeder decided to try and weather the storm, evidently hoping to tire City out, before putting on his speediest weapons. (This is known in TDH circles as the Rumble in the Jungle gambit.) It's something he's been doing all season - unfortunately, it often results in going behind, or leaving it too late.

Leaving it too late is what apparently happened this time, too. Our best five minutes were the last five minutes, where we had three good chances to score. Solano handled the ball the way Emre, inexplicably, couldn't. Dyer and Zog tore through the City defense, though Zog wasn't quite at his best. And Sibierski's backheel would have gone in on most days. Quite how some of the other chances were missed is a question for, well, Claudio Reyna. TDH was somewhat relieved that he won't be Captain America in 2010.

Looking back, TDH has to ask why Roeder insisted on his tire-then-fire strategy. Allow TDH to propose a different front six: Sibierski and Dyer up front, with Dyer off to the right a bit; then Duff, Solano, Emre and Parker a bit behind. Milner's a talent, to be sure, but he doesn't create chances the way Nobby does. Let Nobby play for an hour, then put on the reinforcements, right?

Chances were definitely a problem. By TDH's calculations, our Magpies went about 85 minutes without a shot on goal. Horrific. Amoeba earned his nickname, appearing to run in slow motion, though, it must be said, he didn't get the greatest of service. TDH can only be grateful that we didn't suffer too badly under the notoriously costly Poll Tax - just a bad call on Parker, early in the match, for what was one of the best sliding tackles TDH had ever seen. And Psycho and Roeder set a good example for Messrs Pardew and Wenger, as some mid-match handbags gave way to chummy hugs at the final whistle.

Ah well, draw away and win at home. If we can do that, we're as golden as the numbers on our shirts.

He's got it all to do now...

2006-11-05T10:52:00.000Z

And TDH is talking, of course, about Glenn Roeder. A thoroughly embarrassing eight points from 11 games - where does that leave us? TDH can tell you.

According to TDH's calculations from last season, you need an average of 43 points to stay up in the Premiership. This squad has 27 matches left to garner 35 more points, or an average of 1.3 points per game. If you're on that pace for the whole season, you score 49 points. So this is not mission impossible - not yet, anyway.

One has to ask, though, where are the changes going to come from? We must now accept it as a given that, at any given moment, 50 percent of the top players will be out injured. Again, this Mystery of Tyneside has yet to be solved, despite TDH clamoring for an AC Milan-style computerized health regimen. So the powers that be must buy at least two more strikers and two more decent defenders in January. (Yeah, right.)

And wait - make that three strikers, since Rossi's loan deal might not be renewed. If I were Sir, I would get Giuseppe out of the Northeast while his knees are still intact.

As for last night, the only consolation was Woody continuing his splendid own-goal form at Watford. Good on you, Woody!

Holy crap!

2006-11-03T06:18:00.000Z

That was all TDH could say upon awakening this afternoon to find the scoreline from last night's UEFA Cup tie. Nearing the computer, TDH's mind was full of dire prognostications, mostly based on the fear of what a high-flying Serie A side might do to a team with an average age of 12. But this - this was unexpected...

...and yet, should it have been? Doesn't this just prove TDH's hypothesis that the Toon are the ultimate Janus Team? Well, make Luque the Janus striker, then, too.

There are some things that we can enjoy in Europe and England, though, like having two of the best 20-year-old wingers in the world on the same squad. And to be frank, looking at the squad from last night, it doesn't actually seem that bad. If you had told TDH before the match that we'd go with a 4-5-1 of Ramage-Bramble-Moore-Taylor, Zog-Nobby-Butt-Emre-Milner, Luque, TDH probably would have said, "Well, we might just get a 0-0, perhaps 1-0 if we're insanely lucky and we steal one on the counter."

There was definitely plenty of strength in midfield to screw up the Palermo attack, and we arguably had three of our five best defenders on the pitch. Plus, TDH may be vindicated in calling for Krul to come in replacing Harper, even if the older man is getting over his case of the willies.

Well, Roeder's job is most certainly safe, barring a disaster with the Sheffies. Of course, after last night we'd have no right to be surprised if that happened, would we?

TDH Live in Hong Kong!

2006-11-01T16:31:00.000Z

For the first time in many, many months The American Geordie and The Maradona of Malawi were united to watch some football, in this case the highlights of the Barca v Chelsea match. The American Geordie had earlier joined UEFA's new video service, which provides live feeds to developing countries and tape-delayed matches to the rest. At $1.95 for what could have been the match of the season, it seemed damned cheap.

Apparently, English journos are already complaining about what a niggly match it was. But, after a feast of Sri Lankan food and Australian wine, TDH collectively saw plenty of good football, including four spectacular goals. Chelsea could easily have won 4-2, even playing mostly on the counterattack, and one has to question Barca's fitness for the home stretch in the competition. In any event, it was, even with the cascade of yellow cards, a corker.

There were a few agreed conclusions between the Geordie, Mara and a friend who, bizarrely, was a mad Manure supporter:

1. Essien and Drogba are on another level.

2. Messi is, if anything, getting better.

3. Robben is losing his hair because of the number of times he misses horribly and slaps his hands to his head in distress.

4. Goal or no goal, Chelsea should start Ballack in Lampard's position.

5. Unrelated to the match: Euro 2000 was the last great international tournament.

Any questions? TDH is ready and waiting.

Stymied

2006-10-28T19:52:00.000+01:00

Such an ugly word, "stymied", and yet so appropriate. TDH's last prediction came eerily true with Duff and Rossi up front... and we're left to rue the result.

Okay, Parker and Duff are clearly two of the hardest workers ever to wear the shirt. Zog played his heart out, too. Yet with no finishing touch, what could you really expect? Duff chose to take it all on his own shoulders, which resulted in half-a-dozen shots taken well away from the perpendicular. A couple more crosses to Rossi might have paid dividends. But forget Martins and Ameobi - even with Dyer in the side, at least one of those chances would have hit the back of the net.

TDH has a solution for all this. Yes, TDH is getting on in years and has lost a step or two. But TDH is still pretty good in the air, and (here's the best part) TDH will wear the bar code FOR FREE. So, we might be in for a couple of tough months, but if nothing better comes along in January, TDH will be expecting the call.

In the midst of the frustration, it must also be noted that, had Charlton been a slightly better team, i.e. if Marcus Bent hadn't been rubbish, the Toon probably wouldn't have come away with even the one point. Defenders, defenders, defenders. TDH has been saying it for years. Years! What will it take to get a commanding Gareth Barry type into the side?

Angst aside, TDH is still willing to pony up to pay off part of that six million pound deficit. (We'll need it, with thousands of seats going unsold on a Saturday evening.) The question, of course, was whose number to put on the back of that beautiful European jersey. Alas, with Shearer gone it was bound to be someone younger... but there really wasn't any question, was there? Scottie P it is.

The Janus Team Redux

2006-10-24T07:55:00.000+01:00

Hoity-toity title, yes, but TDH couldn't think of a better way to put it. This team has two faces: one it shows to Europe, the other to England. And we've seen it before with Souey. Is this a dynamic that transcends coaches and players? How can we take down a thoroughly decent team like Fener and then collapse at the feet of Boro? Or are those teams closer in quality than TDH would like to admit?

Has TDH been overoptimistic by predicting even a mid-table finish? Will we be stuck in a relegation fight with the likes of Curbs-less Charlton and increasingly Psychotic Psity? Should TDH just start supporting Reading, aka Yanks Abroad? Are Jermain Defoe's Mike Tyson moments the best hope for entertainment? (See the similarity of approach, by the way?) Does Javier Mascherano taste anything like Argentine grass-fed beef? And has Masche's form suffered because Black Angus just doesn't measure up?

And how the hell did the Mets manage to lose Game 7?

Too many questions, loyal readers, too many questions. TDH is exhausted. Please, O Great Sir Bobby, send us a sign....

More crap

2006-10-15T18:42:00.000+01:00

What else can one say? The Magpies have gone ahead in every home match this season, and yet they've taken only a third of the available points. It's scandalous. The defensive set is clearly lacking, and there's no prospect of reinforcement before January. Just think about it - ask yourself if other Premiership teams would covet any of our strikers or midfielders, then ask the same about our defenders. It's a different kettle of fish entirely.

TDH has to admit, guiltily, to having spent the duration of the Bolton match at a private kitchen in Kowloon and afterwards drinking bourbon at the bar in The Peninsula. For that reason TDH witnessed only the last four minutes or so. But is this really all of a piece? Would TDH not have made more of an effort to spectate if there weren't the sinking feeling of dread that the Toon were sure to drop more precious points at home against mediocre opposition?

It's a sad state of affairs. And again, TDH will go back to the initial prediction for the season: mid-table finish in the Premiership, interesting cup runs cut short when confronted with real opposition. It certainly looks to be on the mark now.

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TDH also caught a bit of Wigan v Manure yesterday. Quite an exciting match, actually, and too bad that the Latics couldn't hang on. One has to say, though, that Manure can go through long periods looking quite pedestrian without Kiki Ron in the side and Rooney playing out wide. Wes Brown surely does not belong on that team. And where is all of Ole Gunnar's Shareholder United activism now? A distant memory, surely, for the Norwegian hypocrite....

What were you thinking, man?

2006-10-12T04:32:00.000+01:00

Certain commentators have been saying that Stevie Mac used a 3-5-2 against Croatia. One look at the squad clearly shows that idea to be hogwash. Let's be honest - it was more like a 4-1-2-1-2. And where were the wingers? No, Stevie Mac, I don't mean our beloved Scottie P (viz. last post). England has so many talented wingers, and you decide to use none of them? It's shocking, shocking.

TDH was ready to see a real 3-5-2, with two real wingers. The whole idea of a 3-5-2 is that you can play dedicated wide men. They have to be the kind who can score, too, i.e. not Cashley Hole, whose shot is about as menacing as that of Juampi Sorin (viz. earlier TDH rants).

The Croat coach was right - Stevie Mac did his side a favor. It's hard to believe, too, that the FA couldn't arrange a match for this mad-scientist 3-5-2 against MK Dons or Grimsby, just to see if it passed the smell test. Must Stevie Mac use an away Euro 2008 qualifying tie as his laboratory? It's crazy, crazy.

Well, much work to do for England. Hopefully Stevie Mac will make El Tel the fall guy and bring in someone who actually knows some tactics. TDH also has a conspiracy theory on this: El Tel encouraged Stevie Mac to make a fool of himself, so that he could take over! Devious and yet so believable!

As inspiring as yesterday's porridge

2006-10-07T19:07:00.000+01:00

Oh, England. Remember the World Cup qualifying campaign, where every game was an occasion? Hopes were high, the line-up was packed with stars who seemed like they could do anything, and the team just kept on finding ways to win. It looked as if England could right the wrongs of the past 40 years.

Well, the World Cup itself scratched the luster right off. What we learned was that England could only score through David Beckham. Now he's gone, and quite rightly given that he's got no chance of playing in 2010. But Stevie Mac seems to be all out of ideas. And as TDH said previously, the return of El Tel to the coaching bench signals more mediocrity to come.

TDH saw the match with commentary from Martin Tyler and David Platt. Tyler was ready to see a 9-0 drubbing; he called the Macedonians "brazen" when they had the nerve to attack - would you believe! And in Old Trafford! Platt was much more realistic. He knew Pandev was a real player, and the balding striker duly caused all manner of problems, especially for the aging 'Tache.

Platt also sussed three major areas where Mac's tack seemed to lack:
1. Lampard should have pushed forward more, leaving Carrick to distribute.
2. Neville should have been substituted, not Downing.
3. When Wright-Phillips came on, he should have swapped with Gerrard.

But he missed one big thing: without Becks on the pitch, the crosses and dead balls were absolutely horrific. Except for an occasional good ball in from Downing, the service was atrocious. And anyway, the Empire State Building was, as usual, crap in the air. That free header in the last minute especially should have been a goal. The only bright spot was Ledley, who covered almost everything for the lagging 'Tache and the often-strangely-out-of-position JT.

The overall verdict? England and their coach are devoid of inspiration. TDH proposes playing Gerrard in the center (after his unfair suspension) with Downing and SWP or Cole and Lennon (when they're healthy) on the wings and Carrick behind. Put Bent, Harewood or Defoe up front with Rooney.

Leave Lamps and Crouch on the bench to think about what bad boys they've been. Besides, Crouch is the perfect suprise to spring on a tired defense, as he showed against the Argies. Yes, remember that famous victory? Back then, it actually appeared that England were good.

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Looks like a tough group for the Toon in the UEFA Cup. Don't worry, though - we'll make it out, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion in the quarterfinals. Oh yes.

And come on, ye Scots!

When it rains, it f*ckin pours

2006-10-01T17:16:00.000+01:00

Never just content to lose, are we? No, to complete a true Toon defeat away at a big club, we need to fulfill some other stringent criteria: at least one important player injured, at least one player sent off, and several defensive gaffes that will live long in the memory.

Okay, no red card this time, but Steven Taylor surely would have received one if his gunshot-to-the-chest act hadn't worked this time around. (Who remembers that from a little while back?) Sure, the Manure goals were flukey, but so was the fact that Kiki Ron hit the woodwork three times. To be honest, TDH watched most of the match in misery, mentally compiling the list of flaws and failures. Not wanting to bore or depress you with all of them, loyal readers, here are the top few:

1. Amoeba is unfit. After 35 minutes he was walking. Start Martins.

2. Duff didn't see enough of the ball. The 4-5-1 doesn't use him enough.

3. Harper isn't ready. He made two excellent reaction saves, yes, but generally speaking he was about as far from a safe pair of hands as Hong Kong is from Gateshead. Plainly scary. Let's see what Krul can do.

In fact, this last point makes TDH think, yet again, about the excessive regulation of the labor market in European football. If there were no transfer windows, the Magpies could have signed an in-form goalkeeper from a Championship club on short notice, rather than resorting to the obviously rusty Harper. Better yet, if football teams were allowed to use feeder clubs the way baseball teams do, they could simply have called him up from a lower or foreign league. Now, you may say, that's what reserve teams are for. But come on, is reserve competition anything like being in the thick of the action where points are at stake?

At least we continue in the UEFA Cup. Not long ago, TDH predicted another mediocre Premiership season and another interesting but ultimately disappointing cup run. Well, here we are. Lone bright spot: Pattison seems to know that the boxy thing with the net is where the ball should go.

And there was one other downer, of a sort. The best player on Manure isn't Paul Bunyan. No, it's that pizza-faced kid who runs like a girl. Sleep easy, Macedonia.

In the meantime, bully for Reading and its American stars!

Neither here nor there

2006-09-25T08:18:00.000+01:00

Well, it's really starting to get to TDH that virtually every minute of Toon action this year has gone unwitnessed. TDH could only read, from San Francisco today, about the draw with Tim Howard. At least TDH will be able to see the match against Manure next Sunday, from a footie-friendly island thousands of miles away from here... yes, TDH is talking about Hong Kong.

TDH is not too sad that Bramble was sent off, as it'll give Steven Taylor time to get back into the swing of things. And with Amoeba possibly suffering an ankle injury, it's a shame that Rossi isn't allowed to play against Sir's scum. But we might just get a chance to drink in the bracing aperitif made from two young stars who are barely old enough to drink it... yes, TDH is talking about Martins & Rossi against the Estonians in midweek!

So, tune in as the Toon turn Tallinn into, er, vermouth. In the meantime, groan about being a bottom-half team. Enjoy the fact that Bobby Convey and Marcus Hahnemann helped Reading to draw against the Red Mist - a fact that would have been unbelievable a year ago. And revel in having predicted the rise of certain towering Greek striker... yes, TDH is talking about Giorgios Samaras! Okay, enough already.

As predictable as a bottle of Newkie Brown

2006-09-21T05:08:00.000+01:00

TDH hates to say, "I told you so," but.... It warn't pretty at Anfield. And for TDH, it all comes down to this: we're not ready. We don't have the depth of the top squads, and our top young players need time to develop. Give us a couple of years.

There was a similar refrain a little while back when Sir Bob guided his crowd of young tykes to third place - "Give us a couple of years, and we'll win it all" was more like it - but, alas, they turned out to be a bunch of unmanageable delinquents. Hopefully Roeder will have better luck with Oba, Zog and company. But either way, the level of ambition must now be significantly lower.

Perhaps it's time (have we really sunk this low?) to use the Stevie Mac recipe for success. Win the Carling Cup, use it to recruit a few more players, then tussle for something a bit more important. Who knows, Roeder could end up coaching England in 2014.... You heard it here first.

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About those bungs. First of all, TDH believes in free labor markets, and the rest of this is so much horseswaddle. If a club wants to sanction its own player for talking to other teams, fine, but the league should stay out of it. Even if Big Sam's guilty - how come it's always the son who screws up, Kofi? - TDH hopes he fights it into the Bosman rule of the 21st century.

Rumbling along with all the grace of a three-wheeled Morris Minor

2006-09-18T06:17:00.000+01:00

After the total deflation of last week's Premiership loss, TDH struggled to find the enthusiasm to keep posting. Was it just to be another season of iniquity, new signings notwithstanding?

Well, perhaps not. Oba has finally broken his duck, and Duff is showing that yes, he is class, and not just another waste of Geordie cash. TDH considers the Toon lucky to have played West Ham before Carlitos and Masche had really hit their groove. Roeder will have gained a bit of confidence after sticking it to his old club. With the Euro away victory, things are starting to tick along.

But seriously. Only 1-0 in Talinn? Things are still not as they should be. Yes, we'll have to see what Rossi has in his locker, if he ever gets a look-in. And the defense looks to be a bit better with Craig Moore - the longest-lasting Magpie in the World Cup! - doing the organizing. Still, TDH is yet to be convinced.

Moreover, POMPEY TOP? What is the world coming to, one wonders. At least those cool blue shirts will be up for sale if we make it to the UEFA Cup group stage....

Who are these guys?

2006-09-04T06:50:00.000+01:00

Dunga's done a bit of housecleaning, and apparently he's found some decent players tucked away in some dark corners. Like Elano, a supposedly quiet midfielder who managed to outrun Daniel Bilos - Argentina's answer to the Empire State Building - twice on his way to scoring.

TDH took in the match at Manhattan's football mecca, the famous Nevada Smith's, with an Argentine friend. The Argies looked pretty good, with plenty of talent and plenty of chances. But the final touch was lacking... always.

And Coco Basile didn't seem to have done much with the team in his first few days. But TDH wasn't surprised. Without Ayala keeping things organized at the back, there was the same lack of communication between El Pato Abbondanzieri and Coloccini that TDH had ridiculed in the Croatia friendly before the World Cup.

Meanwhile, Dunga tried out a few more new faces. (Dudu! Sobis! Maicon!) And as Kaka ran halfway across the pitch to score the third in instant replay, TDH heard a Brazilian fan saying, "Maradona can go to hell," or something rather more colorful to that effect....

Transfer deadline shockers!

2006-09-01T03:38:00.000+01:00

Well, there is a stunned calm of pure awe at the TDH compound tonight. How, how, HOW did West Ham manage to sign Carlitos Tevez and Javier Mascherano from Corinthians??!?! It defies belief. Not to Chelsea, not even to one of the top clubs, but to WEST HAM??!?! These guys were two of the best players at the World Cup. They could have gone to any team in Europe. TDH is dumbfounded. Explanations and conspiracy theories, please.

In Argentina, to answer Mara (hey Mara, shouldn't you already know what's going on in Argentina?), they're saying that Kia Joorabchian of Corinthians is actually buying West Ham, and the alleged $58 million transfer fee (or $45 million, depending on whom you ask) may be paid to himself. This certainly puts the Abramovich Hypothesis, first formulated by a Russian mathematician known to his colleagues only as Grishka, in a different light - he'd never be stupid enough to involve his money in two clubs in the Premier League, would he?

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TDH would like to be more generous, but really Roeder and Shepherd only deserve a 6 out of 10 for the transfer window. TDH's big beef is that they failed to sign a central defender... like Huth. Oba looks promising, but it's a shame that they only got Rossi for four months. (And it's a double shame that the New Jersey boy decided to play internationally for Italy - what was he thinking?) TDH was somewhat relieved that Milner wasn't sold to Villa, but Sibierski is a bit of a conundrum. Sure, he's a hard man, but TDH could never figure out how he fit into City's setup - now Roeder will have to answer the same question.

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Gooners are probably crowing about switching Ashley for Gallas, but for TDH the bigger coup is unloading Reyes - whom TDH never, ever liked - for Julio Baptista. Baptista is a horse and always has a great attitude, which is why TDH coveted him for the Toon for so long. At least we'll get to see him play in England. He can't possibly be more useless than Reyes. If Real get goals out of the latter, it'll show once and for all that Spain is a pretty boy league.

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Lastly, TDH is excited that DaMarcus is coming to DaMoonies. Long may he prosper under Psycho's psuper tutelage, except when he plays against Newcastle.

EXTRA: Soccernet is reporting that Newcastle obtained old boy Olivier Bernard on a free on September 1. Two questions: 1) how is that possible - is it because he was technically without a club? and 2) can he play in the center?

How do you spell relief? D-e-a-d l-e-g

2006-08-28T23:09:00.000+01:00

Relief. Much relief. That's what TDH felt today.

And you may well ask, loyal readers, why didn't TDH write something yesterday after the second fixture of the season? It was just too much. To lose our new 10-million-pound striker in his first game - to say nothing of losing 2-0 to Villa - made TDH physically ill.

But now comes news that Oba just had a bad dead leg, and Roeder may even have another striker in his plans. So TDH will wait and see, with the perennial tortured hope so familiar to other Toon supporters.

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Ah yes, there were a few other matches at the weekend. Notably, Man City showed that yes, The Goon Show's pretty triangles can still be disrupted with a committed effort, as TDH repeatedly pointed out last season. And Drogba actually scored with a beautiful shot, rather pounding in one of his usual tank-smashes-through-brick-wall goals.

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TDH made it back to Independiente on Sunday, enjoying the gorgeous sun and the continuous stream of Spanish invective that poured onto the incompetent referee, Daniel Gimenez, in one of the dirtiest matches in memory. Usually these affairs involve misdeeds on both sides, and indeed both squads received four yellow cards and two reds.

Yet Gimenez had it in for Independiente - that red was direct, apparently after Diaz said something not very favorable about one of the ref's sisters, cousins or eyesight. He made horrible call after horrible call as Banfield used their entire repertoire of foulnesses to slow down a superior team. But he did give Independiente two penalties, enough to make up for our crummy defense and allow Rolfi to win the day.

Listen, Boro has a good team...

2006-08-24T05:42:00.000+01:00

Ooooh, it certainly looked like one of those patented 0-1 away wins that The Special One perfected last season, but for the absence of a 67th minute Terry header. So where did it all go wrong?

Chelsea does doesn't manage the ball as well as they should. Maybe it's a severe case of spinal Merengitis - too many stars who can't play together. The local commentators said Wayne Bridge was the Blues' best player, which made TDH worry a bit as his price might be rising. But it was true.

Sure, Sheva was pure class, making some incredible runs. (And it's still so odd to see him in England!) And no doubt, Essien is a tank. Yet there was none of the easy-going ball movement that helps teams like Barca and Arsenal to kill matches off.

If TDH had to point the finger, it would be squarely at Ricardo Carvalho. Half of his success is cheating - pulling back strikers by their shirts, only to let go as soon as the referee's gaze turns his way, grabbing keepers with both arms, elbowing shots aside... and the other half seems to be disappearing. Chelsea ought to play Gallas in the center, where he's always wanted to be, and make him forget about all this leaving silliness.

Victory in retreat

2006-08-23T06:20:00.000+01:00

Losing only 5.2 million pounds on Jean-Alain Boumsong is the Dunkirk of Newcastle United.

TDH is glad that he's going to Juve. Imagine if he'd had to learn to pass to players wearing shirts that weren't black and white. That could have been too much. Yes, his transfer value was probably much less with other teams.

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TDH saw Barca take on Bayern today at the Camp Nou. Home advantage notwithstanding, it was a complete blowout. Rijkaard swapped all 11 players at halftime, and it was still no contest. It's hard to imagine that a match between teams that once probably regarded themselves as equals could have been so lopsided.

Bayern showed absolutely nothing in the first 80 minutes or so, while Barca did its usual thing. L'il Ron scored a free kick that defied belief. Xavi just isn't fair. Even Zambro got into the act with a cheeky backheel pass. Substitutes - substitutes! - Giuly and Saviola combined to make Oliver Kahn look like a dancing monkey. Poor old Carlos Alberto Parreira must be wondering where the hell that buck-toothed Brazilian dude was in June.

Barca are now 4 to 1 favorites to win the Champions League with Betfair, with Chelsea at 9 to 2 and Bayern way down at 25 to 1. The Catalans are 3 to 5 on to win the Spanish League. And who'd bet against them?

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Well, TDH is in a decidedly better mood with Martins' arrival apparently imminent and Gravesen being kept out by the Merengues. NUFC.com helpfully gives us the list of players who've been let go by Roeder: Viana, Caig, Brittain, Chopra, Bowyer, Elliott and Faye. Will TDH miss any of them? Not really, to be honest.

And who's come in? Well, Duff and Martins are simply different class from the names above. We should remember that Souness brought us Emre, Scottie P., Owen, Solano, and well, Babayaro. But he also spent 17.5 million pounds on Luque and Swansong. That's enough to buy another Owen.

A glimmer of hope?

2006-08-21T20:20:00.000+01:00

BBC News tells us that Obafemi Martins is crowing about an imminent move to Tyneside. What with Roeder's pep talk for Amoeba before Saturday's match ("I'm not looking for someone to replace you; I'm looking for someone to play with you"), we may be heading for a Nigerian Connection! There's still a question about Martins - is he 22, as he says, or really as old as 28? For the moment, TDH won't worry too much about that. We need someone for the next 2-3 years, and then we can start flashing the cash again.

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Newcastle's match at the weekend wasn't broadcast in Buenos Aires, but by the numbers it looks at though we were outplayed by Wigan and lucky to take all three points. Roeder's 4-5-1 (with Duff in the five) didn't create that many chances, but who knew Scottie P. would be banging in the headers, Big Al style? Hopefully it'll be enough until Martins or striker-to-be-named-later arrives. One has to wonder whether Jan Vennegoor of Herzegovina was in the picture, now that he's on his way to Celtic.

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TDH did take in Arsenal at Ashburton Grove (just doesn't sound right). With a crowd of 60,023 in attendance and more of the same on the way, The Goon Show could someday turn into a big club!

Martin O'Neill will be very pleased to have stolen a point, but one has to wonder whether Lehmann's mind is still floating somewhere over Berlin. In other action, Real Madrid's latest line-up of galacticazos looked a bit disorganized in the Ramon de Carranza tournament - Capello hasn't sorted everything out yet, even if he did get Cassano to lose some weight. And Barca, well, still looks like Barca.

--

TDH didn't put Boulahrouz in the World Cup XI for nothing! And clearly The Special One was among the loyal readers. By the way, did Rio and Jose go to the same barber? What happened to everyone's hair? Is Ivan Campo next?

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Finally, there's late news that the Magpies may be bought by investors from Jersey. No, not New Jersey, Jersey. Well, TDH doesn't much mind who owns the club as long as there's good management in place. If Warren Buffett had hired Graeme Souness, TDH would also have cursed him to hell.

Next up: Barca v Inter - the other Inter

2006-08-18T07:47:00.000+01:00

Ah, the Copa Libertadores final. Both sides missed crystal-clear chances all through the match, and the defense was sloppy all around. But there were bright spots. Inter of Porto Alegre's talismanic captain, Fernandao, played end-to-end the whole match a la Drogba for Ivory Coast. And Clemer, their 38-year-old keeper, made a couple of splendid saves to seal the tie.

The Argie commentators finally stopped complimenting Elizondo after he expelled Inter's Tinga for celebrating the second goal by taking his shirt off; it was by the book, but "a bit harsh," as we always say. Still, the irrepressible Fernando Niembro managed to compare lively Inter to lowly Nueva Chicago, his own favorite team.

Rogerio Ceni, Sao Paulo's offensive-minded goalkeeper, didn't come upfield for the final corners - which was strange, especially for him. After the final whistle, helicopters flew through the smoke above the stadium, which, within minutes after the match ended, looked like the world's largest bong.

Porto Alegre may not be well-known in the world, but it can claim about 1.4 million people, about the same as all of Merseyside or Philadelphia. So why shouldn't it be champion of South America?

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Toon case of good news, bad news. Bad news first: Owen may not play this season. Good news: We didn't sign Kanu to replace him. Maybe we can get Gallas to replace a certain other Frenchman? We can dream.

"In football two days is a long time, and a week is a very long time."

2006-08-17T00:39:00.000+01:00

So said The Ruddy-Faced One many years ago, and it couldn't be more true for TDH. But TDH is back, and there's a lot of catching up to do.

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First of all, TDH finally made the pilgrimage to Avellaneda to see Independiente play live and in person. The team, which first attracted TDH's attention on late-night cable in the US during the first Menotti Era, recently obtained for the third time the services of one Daniel Gaston "Rolfi" Montenegro, to whom TDH wrote a rather extended paean on March 21.

The knock on Rolfi has always been that he's a "pechofrio," someone who plays without emotion and doesn't care about the shirt. This reputation was undoubtedly enhanced by his frequent transatlantic moves (cuidate, this link is in Spanish). And as if facing the mounting suspicions of the hinchada from the start wasn't enough, he was replacing whiz-kid Sergio "El Kun" Aguero at number 10 and taking the captain's armband.

To all of this, TDH says, fuhgeddaboutit. Rolfi is the real deal. Having led Los Diablos Rojos (yes, the echo with Manure does grate a bit) in an away romp over Colon de Santa Fe, he personally destroyed Belgrano de Cordoba with a scintillating display. Rolfi was a constant threat all over the offensive half of the pitch, seeming to squirt out of traffic with the ball whenever play jammed up in midfield. He created two of the team's three goals and celebrated all of them wildly with the kids.

Independiente may not go all the way this year, but it's certain to be an entertaining ride. And dare TDH mention that there's more than a passing resemblance between Rolfi and Captain America? Coincidence? You be the judge, loyal readers!

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Second, behold the Stevie Mac ascendancy. With just a couple of subtle changes, he seems to have stripped all the calcified plaque off the England squad, turning it into a slicing, dicing football machine capable of turning any inferior team into a pile of julienne. Or so we'd like to believe.

TDH has doubts. Yes, they began with the appointment of a certain fan of loud stripey ties as the new boss's assistant. Say what you will, El Tel is a one-way ticket to mediocrity. TDH figured Stevie Mac might just luck into something good, but with the blagger from Dagenham on board the future looks bleak.

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Coverage of the Copa Libertadores second-leg final was completely off the hook, with pre-match interviews including one of referee Horacio "The Poet" Elizondo's Brazilian security guard. No doubt the match will be a huge thrill for the Argentine after the small matter of the 2006 World Cup final. Fascinating stuff - full report tomorrow.

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Last but certainly not least, the Toon seem to be off to a flyer against Europe's minnows. TDH is hoping against hope that Roeder won't be fooled by Amoeba's early form against a bunch of teams with too many consonants in their names. Please no. Yet the gaffer's frank comments, reprinted here on nufc.com, certainly do nothing to raise hopes of a big signing anytime soon. Ah well, the deadline is still 15 days away. Let us pray.

Italians lose their nerve (again)

2006-07-26T22:48:00.000+01:00

Well, looks like the Italian courts don't have quite enough bottle to stick it to the big clubs. Sure, Juve still have to go down, but even that decision could still be vacated after another appeal.

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Norman Hubbard provides a very TDH-like analysis of the Toon's transfer needs on Soccernet. Meanwhile, NUFC.com supplies us with no end of tantalizing rumors, of which TDH's favorites are Del Piero (at least he knows how to wear a barcode on his back, but come on - no chance), Dean Ashton (if he could be prised from Pardew's claws) and Giuseppe Rossi (the great American-Italian hope, quite a sparkplug for Man United at the end of last season).

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Bit of a celebrity run-in today for TDH, though not of the level of past incidents. At about 4:30 pm in Buenos Aires, hail the size of golf balls - and this is no exaggeration - began to fall downtown. TDH's taxi joined others in fleeing to a local garage. As TDH got out to wait for a change in the weather, there was Mauricio Macri, political heavyweight and president of Boca Juniors. Not surprisingly, he was on his mobile phone until the hail gave way to rain and everyone got on with their journeys.

Roeder's miracle complete!

2006-07-22T23:49:00.000+01:00

It's official, the Glenn Roeder tenure has carried the Toon back into Europe! Again, we can reflect on the remarkable turnaroud that started only a handful of months ago.

But there's other news worth pondering, too. First, it's not completely clear that left wing was the position where the Toon most needed fortification, with Milner and N'Zogbia possibles. Sure, Duff is a good player who's probably got three quick years left, but is he going to provide the cutting edge we so desperately need?

He can play up top, but it seems more likely that he'd slot behind as a 10. Until Owen gets back (and after he gets injured again), Roeder may be contemplating a sort of 4-2-3-1 with Amoeba on the point, and then Duff flanked by Zog and Luque, with Emre and Parker cleaning up the back. It could also be 4-1-4-1 with Parker alone as sweeper and Emre or Nobbie pushing up.

TDH would be tempted to play 4-1-3-2 with Dyer and Amoeba as strikers, then Duff-Emre-Luque and Parker in back. The main thing is, we now have a surfeit of decent midfielders - Duff, Zog, Luque, Emre, Parker, Milner, Nobbie, Faye, Butt... - while lacking striking talent and a certified defensive rock. Sure, Amoeba's only 24, but he's not A-grade yet. Let's see some transfer action better suited to the squad's needs.

And a question - where can TDH pick up one of those swanky pale blue shirts the lads were wearing in Norway? They're nowhere to be found in the club website.

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Bits and pieces:

Go plucky Maribor! With Riquelme out of action (probably to increase his transfer value), Villareal looked as impotent as an 80-year-old eunuch. They were lucky to score the one.

Chelsea lost approximately three million pounds on Del Horno - chicken feed for King Roman, and a small price to pay compared to the damage he did on the pitch.

No Argentine teams left in the Copa Libertadores, with only lowly Estudiantes coming close before losing on penalties. TDH didn't shed many tears, though. Gallardo was sent off for River, which made TDH chortle. And let bad luck follow Simeone wherever he goes.

Finally, did it occur to anyone else that want-away Lua Lua might make a nice addition to the Roeder squad?

TDH is going on vacation!

2006-07-12T05:02:00.000+01:00

Well, loyal readers, it's been an intense month of football. TDH is ready for a little break.

That said, if anyone wants to join the TDH team and do a bit of posting, please let TDH management know. There's a reason why TDH is in the third person - this way, there's flexibility for multiple authors.

Either way, TDH will be back with occasional updates from the transfer market, the finale of the Copa Libertadores and, of course, the onrush of the 2006-07 season. Yes, club football! Until then, loyal readers, thanks for hanging around.

WC2006: The TDH XI

2006-07-11T06:32:00.000+01:00

Before TDH brings you the best XI of the tournament, spare a moment for this thought: the only team to take a point off Italy in the 2006 World Cup was the US. The champs couldn't beat us!

Now, on to the matter at hand. As always, TDH is going for a formation that actually works, i.e. not picking four playmakers in midfield. Also, both native ability and play during the Cup were factored in.

Ricardo - owner of some amazing saves and a genius at penalties, which matters

Miguel - always a TDH favorite, manages to cover his man and still get forward constantly
Cannavaro - what can you say - the little guy fights like a heavyweight, purely amazing
Ayala - magisterial and reliable, with a goal to boot - a match for any forward
Boulahrouz - definitely caught TDH's attention in a tough position to fill, a name for the future

Maxi Rodriguez - consummate worker, too often ignored by opposition blinded by his starry companions
Mascherano - for a holding player, the total package of tackling and passing
Pirlo - one of the most humble of the Italians, with the least reason to be
Robben - let's not forget about one of the most lethal left wings in football

Drogba - a towering figure for the Ivory Coast, bossing the whole game at both ends
Klose - just call him Mr. Goals; sure, Ronaldo is the record scorer, but this guy hit 12 of 20 shots on goal, and five hit the back of the net (compare to 8-15-3)

Subs: Buffon, Thuram, Terry, Meira, Zambrotta, Hargreaves, Riquelme, Lennon, Kaka, Tevez, Torres

WC2006: Inglorious finale

2006-07-10T02:31:00.000+01:00

It's rare that TDH gets worked up about something that happens in sport, even in football. The odd disallowed Newcastle goal may be an exception, but that seems to happen so often that TDH has gotten almost used to it. Zidane's moment of madness, though, struck TDH hard and deep.

After you reach a certain age, it's hard to look up to footballers. Most of them are just kids, or adults who never had to grow up. But a few seem to stand apart, with a stature that transcends their abilities on the pitch. Zidane was such a player. And for him to do something so manifestly stupid in the final game of his career - arguably the most important game of his career - left TDH stunned. The initial speechlessness soon turned to disappointment at yet one more fallen idol.

The obvious question is, "What did that f*ck Materazzi say?" But as vile as his tweaking may have been, it shouldn't have mattered. When you're leading a team, when the game is coming down to its final moments, when you have the chance to add the capstone to your career, you should rise above any petty abuse. Zidane couldn't.

Compliments to the Italians for some finely taken penalties. Their earlier play was hardly inspiring. And as they danced around, TDH had to remember that these guys weren't just doing it for the fans or for their country, but also in large part for themselves. They also looked very, very young.

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TOMORROW: TDH's World Cup XI

WC2006: We've got goals....

2006-07-08T01:58:00.000+01:00

In preparation for this weekend's final, TDH would like to present loyal readers with a little food for thought. Today's victuals come in the form of some of the greatest goals in World Cup history. And, thanks to YouTube, we've got video.

Diego Maradona, 1986
What can you say? People in Argentina walk around with t-shirts that have nothing on them except a schematic of this amazing run. No one needs to see a name to know what it is. The commentary from Victor Hugo Morales is almost as famous.

Michael Owen, 1998
As close as England has come to a direct riposte to Maradona's feat. (No, not that feat - by the way, did anyone else see Crespo going for the ball with his fist in the early minutes of the quarterfinal?) But still, not bad, considering Owen was seven years younger when he pulled his off.

Jared Borgetti, 2002
For TDH, the greatest pure header in the videotaped World Cup era. FIFA makes it number two, with a nice jump from Pele at number one, but TDH has to disagree. The angle of the play and the way Borgetti strikes the ball are simply superhuman.

Esteban Cambiasso (with Maxi Rodriguez, Sorin, Mascherano, Riquelme, Saviola, Crespo and Ayala), 2006
Can there ever have been another goal like it? This was the goal that would have had the Wengers and Rijkaards of the world salivating. Some people make it 25 touches, some 26, some 27, starting with Maxi's slide tackle to win the ball. Whatever - it was a work of art. TDH chooses this version because the English commentator (name him!) sees the goal coming and immediately appreciates its value.

Anyone going to watch Kiki Ron pout about not getting the Silver Ball for 90 minutes tomorrow?

WC2006: Lull before the storm

2006-07-07T03:50:00.000+01:00

TDH can't claim to be too excited about the third-place match, but as Turkey showed in 2002, there can be some fun surprises. Anyway, let's hope Germany win - giving Klinsmann the medal he deserves - and send that arrogant S.O.B. Kiki Ron back to training at Old Trafford, where Hwayne Runny can kick him to death.

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Does watching football make you a better player? TDH hadn't played for about a month until last night, yet it was like a little bit of Zizou had seeped into the pores. TDH recalls a similar fillip back in 1998, when TDH had to sit out quite a bit of on-the-pitch football during the Cup due to a toe injury. The layoff only seemed to improve the quality of play. Any explanations?

WC2006: Callooh, callay!

2006-07-06T05:39:00.000+01:00

Loyal readers crazy enough to be watching half an hour of pre-game coverage before today's semifinal (like TDH) will have seen the one moment that told you all you needed to know about France.

Half an hour before the match, after the warm-up, Zidane huddled his players (for they are his now) on the pitch. TDH couldn't tell what he was saying, but it was clear that his voice was raised. And the glare in his eyes was that of an iron leader, a fearless veteran, a warrior equal to any battle. The other players neither snickered nor cowered. They soaked it in.

After the match, Zidane and Vieira strode off the pitch like a couple of old soldiers exchanging notes, neither elated nor surprised by their victory. They know the real test is yet to come. Domenech did his part with good substitutions; like Lippi, he knows it's better to run the opposition ragged than simply to batten down the hatches. But TDH thinks we all know who really runs this team.

Back in France, though, you can bet the feeling was plenty frabjous.

WC2006: O happy day

2006-07-05T00:39:00.000+01:00

Yes, the Argentines down here are convinced that if Lippi had been their coach, rather than Pekerman, they would have beat Germany. The Italian certainly played his cards right. Instead of finishing the game attacking with Tevez, Cambiasso, Gonzalez and Cruz, he had Iaquinta, Gilardino, Del Piero and a fine supporting cast. TDH said back during last season that Del Piero finally looked like he'd recovered the form he had before his injury - and boy, was his goal a thing of beauty. Ditto Grosso's. Italy's playing positive football!

Germany really didn't do much of anything, with Ballack hanging strangely far back to cover Frings's role, and Cannavaro and Buffon (oh, it hurts to say it) made sure that they weren't unjustly rewarded. All told, Klinsmann did well to get this far with a fairly average side.

Up in the luxury boxes, Romano Prodi could barely suppress his smile as he received the grudging congratulations of Angela Merkel, Horst Kohler and even Der Kaiser. In fact, it looked as though his lips had disappeared altogether.

At this point, TDH doesn't much mind whether France or Italy win, though France is still a better story, with more exciting young players to boot. Let's just hope tomorrow's referee doesn't go for all of Portugal's playacting.

WC2006: Faces only fans could love

2006-07-03T14:55:00.000+01:00

It's the team you've all been waiting for: the TDH Ugly XI!

A few rules:
1. Must be a regular (so no to Ecuador's Jose Perlaza).
2. No more than one player from each team (so no to England's Hwayne Runny - see, TDH is already using the McClaren pronunciation!).
3. It has to be mostly the fault of the player and/or his genes (so no to France's accident-scarred Franck Ribery). Yes, if you earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, or more, you should really get a decent haircut and your teeth fixed.
4. Ugly personalities count (not that you needed the help, Luis...).

G: Tizie (CIV)

D: Neville (ENG), Tudor (CRO), Magnin (SUI), Loco (ANG)

M: Van Bommel (NED), Ronaldinho (BRA), Camoranesi (ITA)

F: Kezman (SCG), Koller (CZE), Tevez (ARG)

Coach: Aragones (ESP)

Gah! It'd be like playing against an army of orcs from the Lord of the Rings! Anybody missed out, loyal readers? Any mirrors left unbroken?

WC2006: Converging-to-zero football

2006-07-03T05:52:00.000+01:00

The knockout stages of a tournament always bring about a peculiar transformation. Suddenly it's not so important to win. Suddenly it's more important not to lose.

Thus we see England's 4-5-1 and Brazil's distinctively un-Brazilian style of play. Thus we see several matches going to penalties. Thus we see an average of 1.875 goals per round of 16 match falling to 1.25 goals per quarterfinal.

In retrospect, it was particularly strange in England's case. Having taken risks with his squad, Sven was unwilling to take risks on the pitch. His play-it-safe attitude led to the same result for the third time in a row. No surprise there, TDH now supposes.

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The trends in play have been interesting. France jumped up several notches, from mediocrity to world-beating. Germany have been steadily playing above their level. And Italy seem to be gradually turning up the current. The question in each case is, can they maintain it? TDH bets that Italy's answer will be "yes." For the others, who knows? Can Zidane possibly have two more games like Saturday's left in his 34-year-old body?

---

The Schadenfreude in Buenos Aires after Brazil's defeat has been unbelieveable.

WC2006: TDH in mourning for the third (and last) time

2006-07-02T06:43:00.000+01:00

Poor England. As Sven said, they didn't deserve to lose. But football isn't about justice, is it?

If it had been, England surely would have won - and not just for the crime of Euro 2004 or past losses on penalties. They played better than they had at any time in the tournament, and they created a fair number of chances, even with a somewhat ill-advised 4-5-1.

Still, one has to wonder how so many penalties were missed. Ricardo did an admirable job, sure. But Carragher made the fatal mistake of taking his early - that was unbelievable - and thus faced the psychological dilemma of which way to go after showing his hand. And well, whatever confidence Big Phil inspired his side with was lacking from England. Sven never looked like he was driving the bus.

And Sven has to share the blame for Rooney's temper, too. He could never control his player, as that memorable incident last year in Northern Ireland demonstrated. Also, Lennon is definitely a star for the future, but it would have been nice to see Walcott instead of Carragher in the closing stages. What else was he there for?

In the end, however, the players can't be let off the hook. Even when they found themselves in the right places at the right times, they couldn't execute. A shame.

---

The lone piece of good news for TDH so far in this World Cup came when France, looking like France of 1998, steamrolled Brazil. Those supposed pitch-dancers disappointed time after time, while the French played with, shall we say, elan. Brazil can no longer feel the same sense of entitlement. It's proof that even those baby-faced innocents of football let their skills get to their heads.

TDH didn't expect the French to win, but now TDH hopes Les Bleus will go all the way. (Yes, even though they're French.) Given the choices, what would you do, loyal readers? Germany - no chance, they've gotten much further than their skill deserves, even though TDH likes the adoptive Kountrymann quite a lot. Italy - while Gattuso and Buffon are in the team, never! Portugal - after today? So that leaves France. Allez-y!

WC2006: TDH in mourning (again)

2006-07-01T06:10:00.000+01:00

TDH has just a few things to say about the fairly tragic result in Berlin. First, TDH was right all along about Pekerman. He needs to have his head examined. To take off Riquelme and then fail to replace him with someone else who could organize the midfield was absolute craziness. Aimar would have been perfect - as TDH has pointed out, he's been quick and efficient throughout the campaign.

And then to lose the game with Messi still on the bench, well, that was really sad. Maybe Pekerman wanted more height with Cruz, but that's not the way you kill off a match. Aimar, Tevez, Maxi and Messi could have dribbled away those 15 minutes for a 1-0 win.

TDH had the strange feeling that at 1-1 Argentina were actually behind. The wind had gone out of the sails, and there was no one to clean up the mess (to mix a couple of metaphors). Did Lamm give up a penalty on Maxi? In most games, probably yes. But it was clear in the end that La Seleccion were insufficiently drilled on the penalties. Germany couldn't have been tidier. Well, maybe next time... with Tevez, Messi, Ustari, Aguero, Mascherano & Co.

---

Italy took a stroll in the park and came back with a berth in the semifinals - no problems at all, totally routine. In fact, TDH would venture to say that the Italians are a more formidable opponent than they first appear. Like the Brazilians, they can play well when they feel like it. They don't do it for the joy; they do it because hey, this crap is easy, and why the hell not. Beware, Germany. If you're still thinking about your win today when the semifinal comes, you'll be in deep cazzo.

---

TDH started the World Cup with three flags on the wall. Two have since been taken down, lovingly folded and put away, with respect, for another time. (After all, when you lose, you have to take down your tent and go home.) One remains, at least until tomorrow. Come on, lads, forget your inhibitions and just play the bloody game.

WC2006: Anticipation

2006-06-30T05:26:00.000+01:00

The very air is tense in Buenos Aires tonight, TDH can tell you, loyal readers. A German friend who's living here said that if Argentina won, he would don the white and sky blue and head to the Obelisk with thousands of locals. But he also pointed out that said Obelisk was built by Siemens.

TDH figures the Argentines will have to score four to avoid any funny stuff. But let's say it's 2-2 at the end of regular time. The Germans think they're fitter, but guys like Tim Borowski have a habit of coming on and fouling rather stupidly. In the meantime, the Argentines have some rather splendid attacking options coming off the bench. Could be a penalty in extra time on Messi - yes, a penalty called against Germany in extra time - and Tevez stepping up to nail it.

TDH saw an Argentine report of a BBC XI but can't find it on the BBC website. Anyway, there were no Brazilians and no English in the team. Kalinichenko seemed a controversial choice in midfield, as did Sheva partnering Klose up front. No Drogba? Surely some mistake. Ayala, Lamm, Cannavaro and Carvalho at the back seemed pretty reasonable. And er... TDH will wait until the tournament's actually over to select this website's XI.

WC2006: Withdrawal symptoms

2006-06-28T22:24:00.000+01:00

Must...watch...more...football....

It's a difficult day today. Fortunately TDH can still watch Pedro Martinez pitch for the Mets this evening. But back to the important subject at hand: quarterfinals. Here they are, with referees in parentheses:

Germany v Argentina (Lubos Michel, Slovakia): Full of historical significance, with two finals in the countries' past. Argentines are convinced the fix will be in. But TDH thinks Pekerman, always serene, is the right guy to prepare the team. La Seleccion will be focused, and Germany's defense is porous.

Italy v Ukraine (Frank de Bleeckere, Belgium): Well, you have Sheva playing against his former teammates, but otherwise there's not much in this one. It's hard to see Italy losing - the bookies certainly think so - but then again, they've hardly looked dominant. With Nesta missing, anything could happen.

England v Portgual (Horacio Elizondo, Argentina): Come on, an Argentine referee in an England match?! That's like having an English referee in a German match, an American referee in an Iran match, a Mackem referee in a Newcastle match.... And to boot, Elizondo is the very man who sent Becks off in a World Club Championship match against Necaxa. But England will be out for revenge for Euro 2004, and the Portuguese goal machine will be missing a few screws.

Brazil v France (see fruity comment below): Another revenge match, with the 1998 final setting the precedent this time. France will defend hard, but Brazil will finally be operating in high gear. Should be a sight to see.

Finally, TDH would like to call Sepp Blatter a BIG FAT HYPOCRITE for griping about the referees and then letting Marcus F*cking Merk and Luis Mind-of-a Cantaloupe stick around. Both gave extremely dubious penalties that decided previously drawn matches. HOW CAN THEY BE ALLOWED TO STAY?

WC2006: Day 19

2006-06-27T23:40:00.000+01:00

TDH guesses right again: the exact scoreline of Brazil v Ghana and the result of France v Spain.

Mind you, Adriano was clearly offside twice before he scored the second goal - once before the through ball was released, and again before the cross. Yes, it was yet another terrible, potentially game-turning decision. To compensate, there were a couple of offside calls that wrongly went against Brazil. It seems that when a player's on the other side of the pitch from the ball, the linesmen have a hard time lining him up. But that's the way Brazil play, with runners coming out of nowhere.

Kaka was phenomenal, again. And that Ronaldo fellow? Fat and useless, oh yes.

TDH and Mara will probably share a toast, from across an ocean, at Spain's demise. It's a shame to see such a young and talented midfield slung onto the scrapheap, but a victory for that racist as*hole Aragones would have been too much. The overconfidence of the quasi-fascist Spanish sports press didn't gain them much sympathy from TDH, either.

France's victory certainly had little to do with Raymond "I Swear to You, I Played a Lot of Football Even Though I Look Like a Civil Servant" Domenech. Sticking Henry up front as a lone striker was madness, as anyone named Arsene could tell you. And why was Zidane taking all the corners? Henry takes them for The Goon Show because he's rubbish in the air, unlike Zizou.

Well, after two quick goals near the end, the local commentators said, "Hey, it's almost a game of football!" Almost, but not quite. Brazil will end this French delusion soon enough.

EXTRA: Referees stage coup d'etat!

2006-06-27T02:37:00.001+01:00

** ATTENTION LOYAL READERS OF TDH STOP THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE REVOLUTIONARY COMMAND OF FIFA REFEREES STOP WE HAVE TAKEN OVER THE WORLD CUP AND WILL BE ISSUING OUR DEMANDS IN ADVANCE OF THE FINAL STOP CONTINUE TO READ TDH FOR FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY MISSIVES STOP UNTIL THEN MAY THE SPIRIT OF PIERLUIGI COLLINA BE WITH YOU **

At least, that's the way it seems. Like Markus Merk, Luis Medina Cantalejo once seemed to TDH to be a good referee. Yes, a quality referee. And yet, and yet... he was willing to issue a last-second penalty in a 0-0 match where both teams looked as though they could very well have scored in extra time. Not just any penalty, mind you, but a penalty for deliberately falling over a prone player who made no effort to obstruct play.

Terrible. Just terrible. Despite guessing the Italy v Australia scoreline correctly, TDH's mood was lousy. It certainly wasn't improved by the Switzerland v Ukraine match.

Like BBC's Adnan Nawaz, TDH almost fell asleep during the late game - during the first half, in fact. About the most exciting thing that happened was when, about half an hour into the match, the Latin American feed disappeared. The guy desperately doing filler - his surprise moment in the spotlight - was definitely more interesting.

The game actually improved late on. Perhaps the players were too tired out to keep flying through the air for hopeless headers and sky-high passes; they actually had to play the ball on the ground. In the end, TDH got the result right, if not the scoreline. But who would have predicted that Switzerland would be dumped out of the tournament without conceding a regulation goal? How sad. The only consolation is seeing Sheva and Blokhin walking around together - you can tell those guys are having fun.

WC2006: Day 17

2006-06-26T03:52:00.000+01:00

Who would have thunk it. Loyal readers of TDH may recall this passage from the entry of June 8, on the eve of this very tournament:

"...this is where the Sven factor comes in. It's a dead cert that he'll come up with something utterly Martin-Lawrence-esque. He's likely to try, out of nowhere, a 3-6-1..."

We didn't have to wait very long to see it, did we? Sven came out with six midfielders, though one could argue that Har-Greavesy was masquerading as a right-back. And what happened? JT had a nightmare and Robinson kept hoofing it over Wine Hrooney's head, completely ignoring the sextet in midield.

The tactics were downright ridiculous. Sure, if you want to play 4-4-2 with solid players to exhaust the opposition and then put on Lennondowning (cf. yesterday's comment on Messitevez) to finish the job, that's fine. But 3-6-1 to start out with? My oh my.

Anyone who's watched a Manure match will know that Wine works best when he plays off one or two other strikers. Alone he's still powerful, but not half as effective. With Lampard having a Riquelme-esque match (in the negative sense of Saturday's game) and Young Joe apparently sitting in a hermit's cave somewhere in Bavaria, it warn't pretty.

In any case, Ecuador looked lumpen and Becks slammed a goal that made the other nine Englishmen (and one Canadian) irrelevant. Lucky old Sven. With Deco and Costinha missing, he might even beat Portugal.

And that brings TDH to the Battle of Nuremburg. If you thought Italy v US was a war, umm, you hadn't seen a single thing yet. Never has TDH witnessed a match in which moments of beautiful football were so constantly intermingled with instances of shameless violence and utter stupidity.

The alleged referee, Valentin Ivanov, clearly couldn't control what was happening on the pitch. But still, there was enough exciting football that TDH and friends were begging for the Netherlands to send the match into extra time. Alas, a crossbar and a few flubbed chances later, it was over. Thanks to the television director for including so many shots of a ballistic Felipao. The man has enough emotion for a thousand Colombian soap operas.

And finally, so far TDH's Round of 16 forecast is off by a total of only three goals, with all three victors correctly noted and one perfect prediction. Has anyone made any money yet?

WC2006: Day 16

2006-06-25T07:07:00.000+01:00

TDH missed the first half of the Germany v Sweden game, and both goals. But that was okay, because TDH was attending the baptism of a friend's daughter - and the godmother's husband was... ENZO FRANCESCOLI.

Enzo was looking quite fit, and appropriately so, one supposes, for someone whose playing career lasted so long. In fact, had he been playing for Uruguay against Australia, his team might have been the ones facing Italy in the not-too-distant future. With 198 goals in 510 games, he would have been worth a shot even at the ripe old age of 45, right?

Anyway, the Swedes - with the exception of the underwear model - didn't seem to be running quite as much as they did against England in the second half. Larsson missed a penalty, and Lagerback inexplicably switched Ibrahimovich for Allback rather than throwing all four strikers forward in the last 20 minutes or so. TDH would have said, "Excuse me, but there's no tomorrow - or, as they say in Buenos Aires, la vida es ahora...." Germany's advancement hardly seemed unjust.

---

What a stinker Riquelme had for Argentina. When he's off, the whole team looks off. His passes were spraying wide, and he looked more worried than usual. (Does this man ever smile?)

Pekerman took off Cambiasso for Aimar, but TDH would have left Cambiasso on and let Aimar dictate instead of Riquelme. Aimar has always looked quick and efficient with this team.

Messi's goal in extra time clearly should have counted - yet another terrible offside call in this World Cup. But the score ended up 2-1 anyway, thanks to a shot Maxi Rodriguez appeared to have stolen from Young Joe.

The Mexicans played their socks off, putting in a far better showing than TDH expected. But it was never meant to be, was it? Now all TDH's local friends are dreading their encounter with Germany. Watch the referee be Austrian, Brazilian, or English... whoops, no, it can't be Graham Poll, because he might give Sorin three cards before expelling him! Which will happen, mark TDH's words.

WC2006: Day 15

2006-06-24T00:20:00.000+01:00

Okay, so France gets one more shot to prove that they're not a bunch of over-the-hill pretenders. The thing is, TDH believes they do have one more win in them. They've been missing chances... but they've been creating a lot of chances. Hence TDH's predictions for the Round of 16:

Germany v Sweden: Germany's scoring power will be enough to take them through, but Larsson will get a farewell goal; 2-1

England v Ecuador: Ecuador seems to be running out of gas - not that England's amazing these days; 1-0

Argentina v Mexico: No contest in this one, but you won't see six goals again; 2-0

Portugal v Netherlands: Very tough to call; likely to be 1-1 after extra time

Italy v Australia: Hiddink's luck will run out as the Italians will be ready for another war; 1-0 and then the catenaccio takes over

Brazil v Ghana: The Africans will get found out as the big yellow machine kicks it into high gear; 3-0

Switzerland v Ukraine: Likely to be brutal, boring or both; 1-0 to Shevchenko in Senderos's absence

Spain v France: The dark star haunting Spain will return in Les Bleus' last hurrah; 1-0

And this one's for Mara: a heartwarming photo of King Thierry I embracing his loyal subject, Sir Franck de Ribery, after their victory on the fields of Kaiserslautern. Is all forgiven? We'll see next week.

WC2006: Day 14

2006-06-23T06:00:00.000+01:00

Ah, Ronaldo. In a way, he's like Maradona. TDH saw Maradona play in Lothar Matthaeus's tribute match. The guy weighed over 200 pounds, it seemed, and only ran for about five minutes. Then he sat inside the midfield circle and waited for the ball. When he received it, however, the passes were extraordinary. And Ronaldo did very much the same in Japan's six-yard box today. He waited, then struck with his innate talent. Fat, yes. Talented, always.

Brazil won't face another equally inferior team in this competition, but TDH gets the feeling that they're starting to wake up - a little more flair, a little more passion. It's good to see Juninho Pernambucano on the pitch, too. He's one of the most selfless players on the team. The Argentines, at least, are worried.

And as you could have predicted, loyal readers, TDH is pleased as punch to see the Aussies through. Who knows, they might even beat Italy. They play a solid game, and their only vulnerability is speed - something the Italians aren't exactly known for. Come on, you Socceroos! You won't see TDH rooting for the tournament's other surprise package, oh no....

EXTRA: TDH in mourning

2006-06-22T17:49:00.000+01:00

The pain is almost too great to bear. Just when we were showing signs of life, just when we'd gotten the momentum back, just when it seemed like everything was coming our way (as Carlos Santana would say), there was Markus Merk, hereafter to be known as Markus "F*cking" Merk, running with arm outstretched towards the penalty spot.

If a single reader of TDH would like to explain how Onyewu's header justified a penalty, by all means, please do. For now, however, TDH will be contented with vile revenge fantasies of the kind evinced by this lovely little portrait, doubtlessly created by one of MFM's previous victims.

And as if that weren't enough, Owen may be out for the rest of the year. TDH can only look longingly at those photos of Owen and Shearer reeling away after Owen's first goal in the black and white. All in all, a very black day for TDH.