"The manager could not even talk to us at the interval - he said we were bad."

TDH was a little bit footballed-out this weekend, but of course there was much to comment on. So, what was the top of the charts?

Was it Chelsea and Barcelona losing within a day of each other, probably for the last time in history? Was it Guus Hiddink saying he'd happily be a part-time England coach? No, it was Newcastle winning two matches on the trot! Hurrah!

Despite the celebrating, TDH found some time to peek into the locker rooms of a few big clubs. Here's what TDH heard - see if you can guess where.

"Okay lads, here's the deal. If we lose this game, I may never be England coach. And you know what, I heard Guus Hiddink say he doesn't like you, Stewie. So you lads better go out and win this one - I don't care if Jesus himself takes the pitch for Abramovich. Yeah, do it for Stewie, not for me...."

"I have an ingenious plan. First, I'm going to rest Claude and Joe. I'm going to play 4-4-2 with Carlton, ha ha! That referee-tampering arsehole Rijkaard will think we've gone soft. And then on Wednesday, with Didier back, we'll stick it to him...."

"I have an ingenious plan. First, I'm going to rest Deco and Lionel. I'm going to play 4-5-1 with Sam in midfield, ha ha! That earpiece-wearing arsehole Mourinho will think we've gone soft. And then on Wednesday, with Ronnie back, we'll stick it to him...."

"Excellent performance today, lads. I'm going to pass around Alan's groin protector, and you all put in some cash for Shay's beatification appeal. I'll send it off to the Vatican first thing, after I finish cleaning it. Won't be a minute, Alan...."

"Our Murphy's better than their Murphy! Our Murphy's better than their Murphy! Yeah!"

Oh, those rowdy Mackems. You'd think it was only their 10th point of the season or something. Meanwhile, back at Stamford Bridge, the Special One started to... sing. Oof. But hey, Saint Seamus of Gateshead - TDH likes the sound of that.