"If there wasn't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."

Ah, the return of Premiership football. TDH listened attentively as the Argentine commentators for the Liverpool v Tottenham match growled the name "Crrrowwch" over and over, as though recalling with agony the way Sorin tried to run between the Empire State Building's legs in that recent "friendly." And then there was Harry Kewell. For most of the game he was made to look like a statue - and a shadow of his Austalia self - by the Energizer Bunny (well, he does favor pink shirts). But his deadeye volley decided it all.

The restart wasn't so pleasant for the Toon, unfortunately. Without a gifted midfield distributor like Parker or a dazzling playmaker like Emre, the Shearer and Luque combination fell flat. It didn't help, of course, that Antti "Freeze" Niemi was making an enthusiastic return to the top flight.

TDH didn't see The Goon Show's 7-0 destruction of the Tees OAPs, but you can just hear the chants around Highbury, can't you? "England coach, you're having a laugh, England coach, you're having a laugh...." Maybe Henry's staying because he likes scoring. TDH doubts he'd grab as many hat tricks in Spain, with so much competition for the final touch.

You have to envy Stuart Pearce. No one in the league seems more committed to his job, or capable of enjoying it more. Sky's cameras treated us to him throwing down his water bottle in disgust when Vassell somehow failed to find a wide-open Sinclair in the box. But when Fowler slapped a seal on City's derby win (after another inexplicable excess of dribbling by Vassell, who had an open shot himself), Psycho threw himpself into the pstands to be pswallowed up by the adoring psupport. He returned to the touchline dazed but otherwise unharmed.