"Football isn't a matter of life and death - it's much more important than that!"

Too true, too true! Just last night a football pitch was the setting for the first of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse: Morientes and Cisse scoring in the same match for Liverpool.

Yes, Rafa's Riff-Raff finally came good, even though it was against Anderlecht, who lost in the Champions League for a record 11th straight time. The Belgian fans will surely welcome the End of Days with open arms. After all, it will mean the resurrection of their household-name stars, like... like...

Of course, the Morientes-Cisse confluence could simply have been the result of a rift in the space-time continuum. Such rifts are sufficiently rare that it will be 4,228,364,197 years before we have a 5 percent chance of seeing the two Continentals on the same scoresheet again. By then, David Pleat may have landed another coaching job. Or it could just be Armageddon.

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While not rising to the level of a sign of The Final Judgment, a certain Aberdeen grump's most recent comments do prove that he's living in an alternate reality. Of pug-faced Wine Hrooney, the hairdryer specialist said this: "He seems to have a very old head on young shoulders and is far more mature than any other boy of his age." Sure, Alex, and the invasion of Iraq has been a huge success....