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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Tragedy by the numbers

For those of you who are confident that the Magpies will turn it around this season and procure what has bizarrely become a respectable mid-table finish, here are some sobering statistics. We're actually worse than our current position in the table.

Start with the team statistics. Our goal difference is as bad as Reading's and Fulham's - two of the three teams currently in the relegation zone. That means, if anything, that we've been lucky so far this season. Our position in the table is actually exaggerated to the upside. And our form is currently the worst in the league, with two points from the past six matches. That's right, we're rock bottom.

Now go to the player statistics. We don't have a single player in the top 100 of the Actim index. Not one. Only two other teams can claim the same distinction: Scumderland and Derby County, both relegation candidates. Plus, our top scorer (Martins) hasn't played for ages, and he's tied in the goal rankings with such well-known forwards as Jol Lescott.

And the focal point of all of TDH's ire is, of course, Alan Smith. What is he good for? Fouls, apparently - he leads the league with 73 of them. He's also tied for second in the discipline standings, after card-happy Nigel Reo-Coker. With whom is he tied, you ask? Why, with our very own Nicky Butt! We can't keep up with the opposition's midfielders, so we foul them instead. That's how bad we are.

TDH hates to say it, but the only comforting thought is that there may be three teams worse than we are. On paper, our lineup looks strong. We have name players, even though they're almost all on the downslope of their careers. And indeed, one player has recently said that things are looking up in the dressing room, the squad is together and they've got faith in Keegle. But who was that player, to whom the manager has given plenty of time on the pitch? A certain Alan Smith.


Blogger Michael said...

While other teams win trophies, we make trophy signings. Big names, huge wages, play shit, never dropped.

You've got to admire the ambition anyhow ;)

9:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TDH, you set out in plain statistics there what many of us are starting to feel in our bones... the situation could actually be worse than it looks, not better. I'm really getting flashbacks to '78 and '89 here...

Let me say this here for the first time though.. there is a part of me that actually wants the unthinkable to happen. For a start, it would sharp clear the decks of the underperforming 'trophy signings' referred to above. And then there is the prospect of 20.00 a ticket for a convivial afternoon out in Blackpool...

11:37 PM  

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