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Friday, November 04, 2005

"If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he'd have put grass up there."

EXTRA! The Magpie manager has not been running a football club but a monastery!

Yes, not far from the cradle of Northumbrian Christianity - the home of numerous bishops from the 7th century onwards - Abbot Souey has been leading young men in lives of virtue and self-deprivation. Each day they strive to perfect their suffering on the training pitch, eschewing wine and women in the hope of a heavenly reward.

Or so Freddy Shepherd would have us believe, by stating that Dyer's illness was not due to any of his own actions, but rather to the Lord's wish that he should endure further pain on Earth so that he might appear more fitting in the eyes of St. Peter at the pearly gates. "From the moment Graeme Souness arrived at this football club last September," Shepherd said, "[Dyer] has been a model professional and he has lived like a monk to try to get back to full fitness."

Bravo, then, Brother Kieron. Hopefully your devotion will allow you to bring just one trophy to the Tyneside faithful before the Lord calls you to his bosom. In the meantime, one must ask whether this is the same Freddy Shepherd who, during an alcohol-soaked orgy at a Spanish brothel in 1998, said this of the original Savior of St. James's: "No vices like us. We used to call Keegan 'Shirley Temple'."


In other Toon news, the dour voice of Alan Hansen has doomed our record signing to a season of iniquity by insisting, "If you put your money on Owen scoring goals, you are quids in." Thanks, Alan, for that damning pronouncement, but you of all people should know that you'll never win anything with quids....


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